


Looking for Summer

by Writelikethat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cheating, Hurt Castiel, Light Angst, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Snow, pianist castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-22 10:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6075045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writelikethat/pseuds/Writelikethat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is a known pianist who just got cheated on by his boyfriend so he needs time to come to terms with it. He goes to visit his sister to spend time with her and his niece so he can put it all behind him before he goes back to face his ex. Dean is a hard man who barely trusts anyone unless they are family or really close friends. There's something between them, but it's hard to tell what's what when Cas is afraid to get hurt all over again and Dean has a hard time trusting anyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snow

Cas never understood how anyone could live in the cold like this. For every mile he drove he regretted his decision to drive up there instead of taking a plane like any other normal person would. If he was going to visit his sister he should make the trip as painless as possible. Driving there through snow and a temperature that was decidedly decreasing was not on Cas’ list over things he ever thought he’d have to adjust to. Still, at the time he'd thought maybe the drive would provide some chance to think a few things over, only it seemed to be too much time for that and Cas had really had time to think about all the stuff he should have done differently.

For some reason Anna had agreed to move to Victor’s hometown, way up north where two thirds of the year the place was covered in snow. Cas would never understand how she was devoted to the guy in a way she would actually give up the feelings of her entire body to be with him. How was anybody supposed to go outside, get to work or actually get anything done in this kind of cold?

His car was in good shape though, and Cas would be at his sister’s house in a few hours. It would be dark by then, but in this place the world was either black or white so Cas didn’t really think it would make a difference. Maybe it would even be easier to get where he needed to go with the help from streetlamps as opposed to the impossible brightness from the snow all around. 

With half an hour to go – according to the lady on his GPS at least – Cas realized the dark was not that great because there was no streetlamps. And then the wind had started to blow the snow in every direction. White snow covered the windows and his light and Cas had to drive so slowly even the lady on his GPS got tired. 

The wind made it dangerous to drive above thirty miles an hour and the temperature was still creeping lower every five minutes or so. Cas started to doubt his sister could even be having that great a time up here as she made him believe through their calls. Because NOBODY in their right minds enjoyed this kind of cold. 

“Turn right in half a mile.” The voice said and Cas stared at the map. There was no sign of a road turning right anywhere on the map. Where did this lady come from? Cas growled at her and flicked the windshield wiper up another step and heard it squeak against the glass. 

As he got closer the lady repeated her order and when he passed it she almost lost it and Cas started yelling back. Of course that made him lose sight of the road for a moment – competing with the GPS lady was stupid but she was just too annoying – and then he looked up just as he headed straight for the roadside and into a dune. Everything was black in front of him as the lights died or disappeared into the snow.

Putting the car in reverse was no use, trying to turn the wheels all the way over towards the road was no good either and once he tried stepping on the gas he actually just got deeper into the snow. Cas really didn’t want to get out of the car and now he had even smashed his GPS because the idiotic lady had made this happen somehow so he would have to get to Anna some other way. 

Cas decided to give it one last try and opened the door to get outside. The wind was strong and he had to push hard as he struggled with the door. The second the door opened snowflakes went wild, in through the opening and all over Cas, making him wet and cold. Cas cursed loudly and forced himself to just get out of the car instead of sitting in there and let things happen in the natural order instead. 

He had a pair of gloves so he could try and dig around the wheels, but he knew it was a lost cause so eventually he sat down in the cold snow with a sigh and thought through it all. He was stubborn just because he felt like he needed to prove something. It was stupid and he was in a weird place in his life so why the hell hadn’t he just booked a flight? He could have been sitting in his sister’s living room with a warm cup of cocoa or something instead of freezing his butt off out there. 

Cas was about to give up. It was too cold, his phone was somewhere inside his car and in this weather Cas wasn’t even sure which way he should go. He was not going to cry, no matter how much he wanted to. He let his head fall back against the car with a soft thud and tried to think through his options. That was when he was lit up by headlights and even before he got to his feet a large black truck stopped in front of him. 

“What the hell are you doing? Trying to get yourself killed or something?” A deep voice asked. A man stepped outside dressed in a thick jacket and heavy boots. The hood on his jacket was framed with fake fur and he was wearing enormous gloves on his hands. He walked towards Cas with long bowlegged strides. 

“Um… I… Uh, got stuck.”

“So you decided to just sit down in the snow and get stuck with it?” He snapped. 

“No, I couldn’t get back up and was just about to… start walking or something.” Cas’ voice faded away when the man’s eyes got even angrier. He muttered something under his breath as he started to walk around his car to look at the back. 

“It’s no good. You have a puncture on at least one of the wheels. What were you even doing?” The man put dangerous eyes straight at Cas and he was NOT going to tell this unfriendly guy about how he had been screaming at the GPS.

“Uh… nothing, got too far out into the side.” Cas said tentatively. 

The guy grumbled again, shook his head before he looked back at Cas. 

“Well, you won’t be able to get your car out of there until the morning.”

Cas sighed and couldn’t believe his luck. Of course it was all his own fault, but he was just sick of this and wanted to just sit there and curse at himself for not taking a flight like any normal person would have done. 

“Where were you headed?” 

“Uh, not sure. Got my GPS for that. Think it was about half an hour left.”

“That’s just into town.”

“Great. Well, I’ll just call my sister and sort it out. Thanks for stopping to help me, though.” Cas said and turned back to his car and rummaged around for his phone. 

When he turned around the man was still standing there looking annoyed. Cas decided he shouldn’t bother with him and instead called up his sister. 

“Anna. Hey, yeah, I’m on my way. Yeah, no, I’m kind of having some trouble.” Cas ignored the snort coming from the growling man next to him. 

“No, I just… kind of drove off the road, and got stuck.” Cas admitted and waited until his sister settled down from her long tirade about how stupid he was for not paying enough attention to the road. 

“I know, I’m sorry. So do you think you could pick me up?”

“Really? You’ve put Rebecca to sleep?” 

The man’s head snapped up at that and he came over to Cas. 

“Anna’s your sister? Anna Milton-Henriksen?” He asked and Cas nodded. 

“I can take you.”

Anna demanded to know who Cas was talking to but he didn’t know his name so he just told her he’d find his way to her home before he hung up. 

“You know Anna?” Cas asked. 

“Her husband’s a friend of mine.” 

“Oh.”

Then he just marched towards his own car and Cas didn’t know if he should come after or what. He needed some stuff from the car, so he climbed back in to dig out a bag with clothes and his backpack where he had his computer. The guy glared at his bags and asked if he needed all that with him. 

“Yes, if you don’t mind.” He told him and clicked his belt on as he started his car. 

“My name is Cas.” He said and looked expectantly at the man beside him. 

“Dean.” He said and turned up the volume on his radio. 

Cas watched him a moment. Now that he had pulled his jacket off Cas finally got a look on what he actually looked at and he was much younger than the grumpiness had made him believe. Dean was also kind of handsome. His face had a stubble which looked good, he had plush lips and a spread of freckles in his face. 

Before Dean could turn and catch him staring Cas let his eyes go out the window instead. Straight ahead of them were only a snow covered road practically with walls of snow on each side. Cas almost felt strangled in all the white. The rest of the place was dark in the late evening and Cas sighed as he leaned back in his seat. Dean obviously wasn’t a very talkative guy and Cas had enough on his mind to occupy him the rest of the way. 

Dean didn’t say anything on the drive until they slowed down in front of a large house Cas immediately recognized from pictures Anna had sent. 

“Well, thanks for helping me out.” Cas said awkwardly. 

“Yeah, well couldn’t let you stand out there freezing to death.” Dean said and hopped out of the car. Cas looked a little surprised at him, but Dean ignored him and headed up toward the house and was inside before Cas reached the steps. 

Anna was there a moment later dragging him inside and wrapped her arms so tight around him he almost fell over. Cas hugged her back and relaxed with the familiarity of having his sister in his arms. It may have been a long time since they last met face to face, but they talked regularly. 

“I’m so glad to see you, Cas. And I’m so sorry for everything.”

“Let’s not talk about that.” Cas begged her and Anna nodded before kissing his cheek. 

“Okay, I’ve made lasagna.” She said, but led him upstairs to his room. He dropped his bags on the floor and looked around. It was modern and cozy with light colors, a vase with fake flowers and blue curtains. 

“This is really nice, Anna. Thank you.” He said with a smile.

“Just… come down whenever you’re ready then we’ll eat.” She said and hugged him again before she left him alone. 

Cas sat down on the bed and rested his head in his hands with a long sigh. He was tired and exhausted from the long drive and even more so from the last couple of weeks. He reminded himself why he was there. Cas needed to get some distance to his life before he made the decision about whether he’d keep going or quit. 

He grabbed his bag and walked into the bathroom. He stared at the reflection in the mirror and sighed again. Tired eyes with dark bags underneath and a dark stubble over his chin, he was definitely much more rugged than he was used to. Cas splashed water in his face and tried to clean up a little. He let his fingers run through his hair to gain some kind of control over the wild locks, but he didn’t have much luck there. Instead he changed into a more comfortable shirt and headed downstairs. 

Victor greeted him with a clap on his back and asked how he was doing. 

“Yeah, you know, good to have some time off.” He smiled. 

“I hear you. We’re working all day around here and for what? Just some teenagers stealing snacks or smashing windows or drunks that pass out in a bar somewhere.” Victor laughed a little and Cas chuckled. He didn’t know why they insisted on staying in this place if it was that boring, but Victor grew up here, so it did probably have something to do with that. 

Cas tried not to be too aware that Dean was sitting relaxed on the couch with one foot dangling over the edge. He chatted easily with Victor and was nothing like the cold quiet man he’d been driving there with. Dean didn’t look at him much and didn’t say anything either until they started talking about how Cas drove off the road. 

“How did you manage to drive your car into the deep snow?” Victor asked as they started eating and Cas felt heat rise in his cheeks. 

“Um… well, I’m not used to these roads, and uh, the GPS kept telling me to turn left where there was no roads. I got distracted.”

“You mean you were yelling at the GPS.” Anna looked unimpressed but smiled slightly. 

“I didn’t yell at her, but she should know I can’t turn left when there’s no roads turning left!” Cas insisted. Victor laughed at him and Cas dared a glance in Dean’s direction who looked like he wasn’t sure whether he was going to roll his eyes or laugh like Victor. 

“It’s beyond me how you ever find your way anywhere.” Anna muttered. 

“You could have told me this place was impossible to drive and I’d have taken a flight.” Cas pouted and Anna just laughed, because he seriously wouldn’t especially if she told him he wouldn’t be able to drive there. 

“Don’t tease him, Anna. It was dark outside and probably hard to see in all of the show.” Victor said good-heartedly. 

“Nothing wrong with the sight, Vic. He actually drove straight off the road.” Dean interrupted with a hard voice and everybody turned to look at him. 

“And do you really talk about your GPS as if it were a person?” Dean looked directly at Cas for the first time and for a moment he felt a jolt of surprise as he stared into green eyes and he swallowed. Why did the guy have to be so good looking and then so mean?

“No, but it’s a woman talking.” Cas told him.

“Yeah, well, it’s no surprise you drove off the road if you were distracted by your GPS. How did you even get a license?” Dean asked and Cas glared angrily at him while both Anna and Victor stifled back a laugh. 

“Shut up, you guys.” But even Cas had to laugh because he had really struggled with his driving test. He’d done so poorly his teacher was about to give up on him and Cas decided he didn’t need it. Eventually Anna forced him through it and Cas had to admit it was practical knowing how to drive. 

Dean didn’t look at him after that or speak to him. Cas could practically feel the resentment rolling off of him and it made him really uncomfortable. As soon as they finished eating he helped Anna clean the tables and the kitchen. 

Anna had lots to talk about. She told him about their little girl, her job at the local florist and she seemed really happy up there. Eventually Anna walked into the living room and sat down with her husband so Cas didn’t have a choice but to follow her out there. Dean was sitting on the couch like he owned it and Cas definitely wasn’t going to appreciate his lean strong body sprawled across the pillows. 

When Dean left he slapped Victor’s shoulder and gave Anna a quick kiss on her cheek while he barely nodded towards Cas before he was gone. Cas sighed when he was gone and forced his mind to forget about him. It was a little hard though when the guy seemed to have something against him personally. Dean had been chatting away with Victor and Anna the entire evening but barely even looked in his direction at all. Anna said he shouldn't think too much into it so Cas told himself he didn't. It wasn't like he needed this guy to like him anyway.

 

Cas woke early the next morning. Victor had promised to help him get his car up from the side of the road and into an auto shop which needed to be done early. Most of all he wanted to sleep, but as soon as he started waking a little he heard the sounds from downstairs. Someone was making breakfast and the excited voice of his niece made him smile and put his feet on the floor. 

After a shower that left him feeling a lot better he dressed in jeans and a comfortable sweater before he padded downstairs. As soon as he showed up inside the kitchen where Anna was sitting with her daughter, Rebecca had a moment of shyness. 

The three-year-old didn’t see Cas that often, he hadn’t been up here before, and they had been down to visit their parents twice. They sometimes chatted on skype just so she would know who he was, but now she pressed herself against her mother. 

Cas chuckled and squatted down next to her chair and she gave him a little smile, but wouldn’t come any closer. 

“You remember me, don’t you?” He asked and she nodded. 

“That’s good. You’ve really gotten big? All growing up here.” Cas said and touched one of her curls. 

“So you wanna look at this or what?” Cas asked and held out a little wrapped gift and the eyes of the little girl lit up so excited Cas felt a little clench in his heart towards that happiness. 

Rebecca finally sat up and Cas moved to sit down next to her. Anna grinned and brought him a cup of coffee as he continued to talk to Rebecca.

She were jumping up and down at the sight of her gift and Cas laughed at Anna’s groan. He’d given her a tiny piano that were playing different tunes when she plucked on the tangents. Rebecca wouldn’t leave it alone and she came to sit in Cas’ lap as he ate his breakfast and by then she was talking non-stop without any of her previous shyness.


	2. Green eyed monster

Getting the car out of the snow wasn’t hard once you had the right equipment. Victor dragged it out with his truck and then towed Cas towards a garage. By then Cas was freezing, his nose almost dripping in the cold and even if he had pulled on a thick jacket he couldn’t seem to get warm since the car wouldn’t start. 

At the garage a man in a coverall and boots came over to them and it wasn’t until he was too close Cas realized it was Dean. His face was just as grumpy as last night, and just as pretty. He had rosy cheeks from the cold outside and grease smeared in his forehead above one eyebrow. Why didn’t Cas just stop looking at him? The guy was clearly hostile. 

“Hey, Dean! I took the chance of bringing the car here. You can just take the time you need. Cas can use Anna’s car in the meantime.” Victor said and Dean nodded. He walked around the car and shook his head a little. 

“How much do you want me to do with it?” Dean asked and glanced quickly at Cas. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s a lot of damage to it. Nothing severe I think, you can drive with a few bulks once the tires are fixed. I just hope nothing’s wrong with the chassis or this will be really expensive.”

“Sure, yeah, just let me know and I’ll pay for whatever needs fixing.” Cas said and noticed how Dean’s jaw tightened just a little. 

“Okay, I will probably have some time at the end of the week.” He said. 

Cas grabbed the rest of his stuff, Dean’s face clearly showing what he thought about all his luggage, then he handed over the keys and left with Victor. Cas wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much that Dean was so strange towards him. They didn’t even know each other, but that was what made it strange. They didn’t know the first thing about each other and still this guy was mean to Cas. 

 

Back at the house Cas soon forgot about Dean. Anna was making dinner so he helped her with that while they talked about the latest gossip. Eventually when there was nothing left to do but let the food get cozy on the stove Anna told him to sit down by the kitchen table. 

“How are you doing?” Anna reached out to squeeze his hand. 

“I’m fine.” He told her but his voice wasn’t as low and calm as it used to be. 

“Cas, if you were fine you would be in Europe right now.” She said. 

Cas stared out the window and tried to force away the lump in his throat. This was just stupid. He was fine. Had been for a while now. No need to act all sappy and sad the moment his older sister showed some sympathy. 

“Yeah, well, not everything turn out the way we plan, huh?” Cas tried with a smile. Anna breathed out and nodded. 

“That’s true, but Cas, you don’t need to pretend, not around me. I’m not like our mother.” She said and Cas’ head snapped up in surprise. 

“You’ve talked to her.” 

Anna nodded and Cas could only imagine what his mother had been saying about this mess. He sighed and let a hand run through his hair. Anna looked a little concerned at him, but she knew he was able to take care of himself, only this time things seemed to be getting more to him than usual. Maybe it was because of the publicity of it all. 

“She called a week after you told me.”

Great. That was when Cas hit the bottom, that was when his mother decided to come by his apartment just to find him in a mess on the couch, drunk and dirty. She’d managed to get him into the shower eventually and by the time he got out of there the place was spotless. Don’t let it be said Cas didn’t appreciate his mother for her help, but that was as far as the affection went. In her world this was bound to happen anyway. She told him that in clear words it was what he got for dating another man instead of one of those decent girls hanging around. 

“She was worried about you.”

“No she wasn’t. She was happy about the whole thing being over. At least she was until it hit the papers.” Cas rolled his eyes. It hadn’t been in any of the largest papers, but it was still there. The whole community of which he was a part of had known and it was just mortifying.

“That’s not true, Cas. She told me how she found you in your place. You didn’t handle it very well.”

“How could I? He cheated on me, made it seem like it was somehow MY fault and then just expected me to go on a tour with him like nothing happened.” Cas shook his head like the idea made him sick, and it kind of did too. How could he live so close to this man who he’d been together with for over a year that now was nothing but a bad memory?

“I know, it’s really stupid of him to believe you’d do that.”

“No, it’s not. He’s only thinking about the money anyway, and couldn’t dream of me saying no to go on the tour because it would bring in a lot of money.”

Anna sighed softly. 

“Cas, did you love him?”

“I thought I did.” Cas whispered and stared at her with his blue eyes wide. Anna managed a sad smile and squeezed his hand again. 

Anna walked back into the kitchen as Victor came in the door and Rebecca jumped up from whatever she’d been playing and ran out to meet her father. Cas thought about the time he’d had with his ex. The last couple of months hadn’t been that great and when he figured out the man was cheating he had a good reason to get out of there. 

Cas decided not to think about it too much and instead he’d enjoy the next couple of weeks here with his sister. Cas had decided to stay there until the worst of the drama had settled before he headed back to continue his work. 

 

Cas did enjoy the next couple of days. He got to sleep in in the mornings, woke up to a great breakfast or some mornings he even was alone if Anna had work and Rebecca was in daycare. Cas loved their company, but on those mornings he grabbed coffee and spent hours with the piano Anna had in one of the rooms downstairs. He forgot everything around him, he went from one piece to another, loving the music around him and all of the drama. Being a great pianist had its perks, just sitting there letting his fingers wander over the tangents to make the most beautiful sounds were one of them.

Other mornings he woke up and had breakfast with Anna and Rebecca, then he’d play with his niece for a while and he often sat down by the piano then too. She always wanted to hear him play and she sat quietly on his lap watching his fingers play over those white and black tangents. 

 

When the weekend came around Victor insisted Cas had to come out with him and some of his friends to a bar. Just a quiet thing really and Cas who had been mostly sitting around the house for the whole week actually wanted to go outside for a bit. 

Victor was driving and when they got there he walked them straight to a booth that was already filling up with people. Cas recognized Dean right away and took a deep breath to steel himself. He’d known the guy would probably be there, but he wasn’t any more prepared to see those green eyes no matter how condescending and displeased. The guy was dressed in jeans and a leather jacket over a white t-shirt and Cas needed to make sure he didn’t have too much to drink and that he wouldn’t be sitting anywhere near Dean. 

Victor introduced him to the gang which included three women and six men with Cas and Victor. One of the girls, Lisa asked about Anna and sighed a little when Victor said they didn’t get a babysitter. Dean glanced over towards Cas and he got the distinct feeling he wished Anna was there instead of him. 

Instead of thinking too much about the grumpy man Cas grabbed the beer he was offered by one of the guys. He sat down next to him and just a moment later he was pressed between this broad guy called Benny, and a smaller one with a really pretty face and an easy smile, called Michael. 

A redheaded girl sat across the table next to Dean and she leaned forward to get Cas’ attention. 

“Hey, new guy. I’m Charlie. You’re Anna’s sister, right?” She asked and he nodded with a tentative smile. 

“Oh, you’re just not that much alike.”

“I know. Seems like you are closer to any resemblance than me.” He offered and she grinned. 

A really tall guy on the other side of Benny commented on Charlie’s red hair and soon the volume raised as she tried to get back at him. Cas glanced over towards Dean and their eyes met. Dean kept looking at him for a moment and offered a smile. Cas felt his heart make a jump at how pretty his face was and returned the smile.

“You’re an idiot, Sam.” She said with huff, but her eyes still grinned. The moment between him and Dean were gone, but Cas still had this warm feeling inside and he tried not to feel too stupid about the fact that he acted like this just because of a smile.

 

Cas liked the good – hearted teasing in the group. The night went on very differently from what he was used to, but even if he didn’t participate much in their joking around he still felt included. His normal Friday night parties usually involved more than one fork and several different vines. Okay, so maybe some of the elements resembled each other. He drank beer and there were several rounds of shots and whenever he tried to let someone else take his shot Benny made sure Cas got it in him. 

Cas was feeling a good buzz and his head were spinning. He had been looking in Dean’s direction from time to time, but usually Dean wasn’t even looking in his direction and whenever he was he was glaring so Cas didn’t bother trying to manage a conversation of any kind. Not even about his car because he knew how that would end. 

Cas turned to his right and was surprised by a smiling face when Michael put an arm over his shoulders. 

“So Cas. What are you doing when you’re not up here with your sister?”

“Um, I’m mostly working.”

“Yeah, with what?”

Cas swallowed. He wasn’t sure how much any of them knew. Probably not that much, but if they wanted they could easily look him up and he knew the first thing they’d see was his break-up instead of his music.

“I’m a pianist.” He eventually said and suddenly other's than Michael was interested. Sam leaned past Benny to ask what kind of music he was playing, Charlie wanted to know if could play for them on the piano in the corner and Jess asked if he were playing professionally. 

“Oi, guys! Stick to your own dates and let me have my chances with this one!” Michael said and the rest of the table burst out laughing. Only Dean looked like he’d just bit into a lemon. 

“So you’re playing the piano. You’re actually playing so good you don’t have to do anything else?” Michael wanted to know as he leaned closer. Cas swallowed. This guy was disturbingly good looking and he wasn’t actually subtle in the way he was coming on to him. 

“I do. I make music and perform in different theatres around the world.”

“Just like that? Casually playing piano across the entire fucking world.” Michael hissed the last part into his ear and Cas shuddered. 

Michael hummed pleased and tightened his grip on Cas’ shoulders. 

“Oh my god would you at least get out of here before you go at it.” Dean suddenly said in a sharp voice and the rest of the table stared between them while Cas flushed deep red and ducked his head. Michael nuzzled the side of his head and Cas wasn’t sure how to handle this. He wasn’t used to this kind of thing. Nobody ever did this where he came from. There they would send glances across the table and carefully start a really polite conversation. Nothing was expected to happen the first night.

Dean stood up abruptly with a comment about going to the bathroom. Cas looked confused after him and there was a moment of awkward silence around the table before the conversations picked up again.

The group spread out after a while. Dean and Victor were playing dart with Sam and Jess. Charlie and Lisa were laughing by the bar with Benny and Michael and Cas didn’t know what to do when he returned from a visit to the bathroom. He stumbled over to the bar to get a bottle of water and chugged most of it down almost immediately. When he turned around Michael was there looking at him. He couldn’t help but smile. The guy was adorable with his funny stories, easy smile and the many different faces he made. Michael had an irresistible need to get attention but he did so without it getting too much, at least that’s what Cas thought. 

“I thought you left without me.” Michael said and leaned closer so their bodies were touching. 

“Just… in the bathroom.” Cas said feeling a little unsteady. 

“You’re pretty drunk aren’t you?”

“Think so, yes.” Cas confirmed and Michael chuckled. 

Cas had trouble collecting his mind to one thought and with Michael pressing up against his body it was even worse. 

“I’m… I’m not sure… uh…”

“Okay there Jerry Lee Lewis, I think you need to sit down.” Michael said close to his ear and Cas felt a strong arm around his waist. Only he wasn’t sure he needed to sit down so instead he leaned against the counter. 

“I think I should… yeah.” Cas sighed, he probably needed to get home before he made a fool of himself.

“You need to go outside?” Michael pressed and Cas nodded a little. 

“Let me help you.” He said and Cas was about to move when Dean suddenly was leaning on the bar next to him. 

“Hey, Michael, what are you doing?” He asked like he was disappointed in the man and Cas didn’t understand the look they shared. 

“Nothing. Just helping this drunk man here. He obviously needs some fresh air.” Michael stated and Dean rolled his eyes. 

“The only fresh air you’re gonna give him is your own breath and that won’t make him wake up much. Just leave him alone.”

Michael and Dean glared at each other for a moment and Cas stood in the middle totally confused. 

“Just back off, Dean. You’ve been in a piss mood lately, don’t make it spread.” Michael said. 

“Well, I’m just gonna point out how this is Anna’s younger brother. And you shouldn’t just jump him like you usually do any guy.”

Michael snorted and Cas didn’t know what this was all about. He glanced towards Charlie and Lisa at the end of the bar and when he met Charlie’s eyes she made a motion with her hand telling him to come over so he decided to get over there. 

“What’s going on over there?”

“I’m not sure.” Cas rasped and listened to Charlie laughing at that. 

It didn’t take long before Michael and Dean noticed he wasn’t there anymore and they both turned to look at him. Charlie rolled her eyes and nudged Cas’ shoulder. Michael kind of shrugged his shoulders with a smile and Dean looked just as mad as earlier. Cas didn’t understand what his problem was. First he dismissed him and everything about him, then he wanted to protect him from this harmless guy and now he was back to angry glares. 

Cas couldn’t help thinking about those green cold emeralds even after he got back home. It bothered him that the guy seemed to cold towards him and he didn’t understand why. It wasn’t like he needed to have anything to do with him and the fact that he acted to weird should just give him another reason to stay away instead of feeling intrigued and tempted to actually ask what the problem was. 

Cas sighed and told himself to go to sleep because the hangover would come anyway.


	3. Keep going

Like predicted his hangover was really prominent the next morning. After a good breakfast and coffee things got better. At least Cas felt good about himself. He’d been meeting new people and even if he hadn’t really made any close friends he still had got the opportunity to actually be out there with real people. Cas had tried to stay away from that as long as he was at home and someone might recognize him. But being out having some fun was important since it made him forget about his pathetic life for just a little while.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful in a way that was just right for a family. They made some cake with Rebecca and then Anna and Victor headed out to Victor’s parents and Cas spent all of those hours by the piano again. He might not want to play with his ex, but he still loved the feeling he got when he was sitting down on the stool. 

It was real quiet until Sunday afternoon. He was playing with Rebecca while Anna was downstairs doing laundry and Victor was outside hammering on something behind the house. Cas hadn’t gone out there afraid he might be high jacked into helping out and he really wasn’t good with anything that required a hammer or an axe.

When the doorbell rang and Rebecca ran to the door Cas was the only one around. She wasn’t tall enough to reach the door knob, so he’d have to help her and he didn’t think about his appearance before he opened the door.   
Of course it had to be Dean standing on the other side of the door. The man let his eyes wander over Cas. From head to toe and back up again and when he met his eyes he was smirking slightly. 

“Getting ready to go out, are we?”

Cas’ stomach fell as he realized he was wearing one of Anna’s sparkly scarfs around his middle as a skirt and several different kinds of clips in his hair probably with ‘Hello Kitty’ and some kind of Disney princesses on. 

Well, he wasn’t going to be embarrassed about playing with rebecca so he just opened the door and told him to come inside. 

“Victor is out back.” Cas announced before he followed Rebecca back into the living room as she was ready to complete her styling. He obediently sat down on the floor so she could reach and Dean actually came in and sat down in one of the chairs. Cas stared confused at him for a moment. 

“If you’re looking for Anna she’s downstairs.” He said. Dean just shook his head and leaned back to get comfortable in the chair. Cas swallowed then when Rebecca managed to climb up into the couch behind him to reach his hair he chuckled at her. 

After a while of having the little girl tugging at his hair with Dean as audience Cas cleared his voice. 

“How’s the car coming? You got time to look at it yet?”

Dean nodded. “Sure, yeah. It’s fine. Just waiting for a part so I’ll be able to fix something on the chassis.”

“Um, well thanks again.” 

“Yeah. Can you tell me what happened to the GPS, though?” Dean asked with a smile tugging at his lips. Cas blushed and looked down into his lap. The sound of Dean’s laugh ringing in his ears. 

“So you really did get into an argument with… her.” Dean said smugly and Cas sighed but raised his head to look at him. Dean’s eyes were gleaming with amusement and Cas huffed a laugh. 

“You don’t know what she’s like.” He eventually said and Dean raised his hands in a disarmingly way. 

“Yeah, sorry, my mistake.” He said with a grin and Cas shook his head a little but couldn’t stop smiling. 

Rebecca announced that she’d made a bed for Cas to lie on. She wouldn’t listen to his protests and steered him towards a nest of pillows she had arranged on the floor. 

Dean was engrossed in a magazine and Cas let Rebecca’s small hand lead him over to the bed so he could lie down. 

“Sure you won’t lie down with me?” Cas asked and smiled up to her. She giggled and put her head down on his chest and feigned sleep. Cas smiled and put a hand on her back. She lasted all of six seconds before she was up again and her dark hair danced around her face. 

“You sleep.” She said and got up. 

“Fine, then. Just wake me up before dinner.” He told her firmly and she promised she would. Then she stared at him until he closed his eyes so he did with a little smile. He let his eyes slip closed and relaxed on the carpet. His body was tired these days and he never got enough sleep. Being there with family loved and cared for him had given him a chance to relax for a bit. Rebecca started taking some of the clips out of his hair and then he felt her returning several times, possibly with dolls and stuffed animals. Cas didn’t open his eyes and it wasn’t long before he fell asleep. 

Cas regained consciousness slowly. The room was comfortably warm and he felt really good even if he was lying on the floor. He kept still and listened to the domestic sound all around him. Rebecca was playing quietly close to him while Victor and Dean was talking. 

The door opened and Anna came inside and she stopped with a huff. 

“Wow, he’s passed out.” She said. 

Cas heard Victor hum in response. 

“How long has he been out?”

“Little bit past half an hour.” It was Dean who answered and Cas was tempted to open his eyes because it felt weird lying there listening to them talking about him. And had Dean been there all this time just… watching him?

“Really? Should I wake him?” Anna asked.

“He probably needs the rest, Anna. We’ll wake him before we have dinner.” Victor said. 

“Yeah, I’m just worried about him.”

“I know you are, babe. But Cas needs to deal with his own stuff the way he feel is right.” Victor continued and Cas wished he hadn’t heard any of it. Did they have to talk about him, and was it a burden having him there, he wondered. 

Cas listened as the little family disappeared into the kitchen before he sat up and rubbed his eyes. He could see Dean still sitting in his chair out of the corner of his eyes. Cas headed upstairs so he wouldn’t have to face any of them just yet. 

After a shower the smell of dinner reached his room so Cas got dressed in black jeans and a dark t-shirt with a piano on the front. 

The food was already on the table when he came downstairs and Anna gave him a concerned look as he approached them. Dean stared at him a long moment before he pulled his eyes away with a tight jaw and seemed to be back in the state of mind where he couldn’t stand Cas. 

Well, Cas wasn’t going to ask what was bothering the guy so instead he sat down next to Anna and assured him nothing was the matter with him. He was just a bit tired. He didn’t mention the conversation he had heard them having about him and instead ate his chicken quietly. 

***

Cas was about to head out of the house when his phone called and he was tempted to not pick up when he saw who it was. His phone kept ringing for a long time so eventually he resigned. 

“Meg. What can I help you with?” He asked and headed back into the living room. 

“Cas. I just wanted to know how you are doing.” Her sweet and slightly dragging voice said. 

“I’m fine. Except for all of this snow.” He told her. 

Meg huffed. Ever since they met in college they had been close friends and Meg was also his closest companion in the music. She was there to set up his schedules of when and where. She had been in the middle of everything with the break-up and even if she supported Cas sudden visit to his sister Meg still wanted him to come back home soon. 

“There’s lots to do, we want you to come along on our tour in this country, since you didn’t go to Europe.”

“I know what you want me to do, Meg.” He told her. 

“Cas, I’m so sorry about this mess, you know I am. But people are expecting to see you.”

Cas pushed a hand through his hair and sighed. He’d been expecting this. All over the country people wanted to hear him play. He was invited to a few universities to play for the faculties and honor students as well as a whole lot of important people around the different states. He wasn’t sure whether they wanted him to play because of his music or because of the man they up until this point associated him with. 

His boyfriend, the charismatic Mr. Balthazar, was a really influential person that most people looked up to and Cas knew his own popularity had increased after they became a public relationship. He dreaded to think how people would react to their equally public break-up. It was all thanks to the man himself that everybody got to know about their break-up. He hadn’t said much, but let it slip on a TV-interview one night that he no longer were dating the ‘promising and handsome pianist’ as he liked to call him. 

“Yeah, well. What is it they expect? Me or Balthazar?” He asked and heard Meg sigh on the other end. 

“Cas, you’ve got to remember you already had made a name for yourself long before you started going out with him.”

“Yeah, maybe, but who remembers that.” He muttered. 

“We all do, Cas. You’re the only one who forgot. Come on, you can’t let him walk all over you like this.”

“Meg, I can’t come back just yet. When do you start over here?”

“We’re starting up in a couple of weeks.” She said. “Listen. I know things got really bad at the end, but you can’t forget how much you love what you do. That’s why you got connected to us in the first place.” She reminded him. 

Cas was aware that he was working with a team back home and that they kind of relied on him for their income. Sure they did most of the job with setting up concerts and going on these tours along with other pianists but if he didn’t show they had to double their work and didn’t get as much back as they deserved. 

Well, he was having a personal crises to deal with and until the wounds were properly licked he wouldn’t head back home. 

He could easily have stayed home. Cas had been playing concerts with a broken foot, he’d been on the stage with a flu and just hours after his grandmother died. But all of these times he’d used the music to get him through it all, and he worked really well. Now, though, he knew it wouldn’t be like that. If he showed up he’d probably manage to play somehow, but once he got off the stage or sometimes even sooner he would have to stand side by side with Balthazar and he wasn’t ready to deal with that, not even close. 

“I know, Meg. And I promise I’ll get back to you.”

“Sure. Okay. Are you practicing?” She asked and sighed when Cas waited a little bit too long to answer. 

“You know how important that is.”

“I do, Meg. I really do and I brought the sheets with me. It’s just… I can’t start practicing for long hours with the little kid around, she’d go crazy and Anna was already sick of it when we lived at home.”

“You can’t go around not practicing for an entire month, Cas! I’ll come up there and drag you back in if you don’t spend a few hours a day at least.”

“Meg, will you stop nagging me? I’ve got it under control. Just… I need to get some distance to this before I come back. I’m sorry.”

Meg let out a long breath. 

“No, Cas. I’m sorry you have to go through this shit. If I could I would have banned the man from this tour so you could go instead. Sadly it doesn’t work like that.” She said. 

“Yeah… thanks I guess.” Cas huffed. 

“See you soon I hope. Try and get some rest. Love you, Cas.” She said before she hung up the phone. 

Cas dropped the phone into his lap and lay back on the couch with a sigh. He knew he was causing trouble for his team back home, but just the thought of going there now made his stomach curl into a hard and cold ball of nerves. 

He wasn’t ready to face everyone because they all thought he was heartbroken. Cas wasn’t sure if he really was but his pride was definitely badly hurt.

The thing was, Balthazar had grown tired of Cas after a while. Cas was partly aware of that, yet they continued in the whole couple thing. They went on dates, practiced together, bickered and made up. Eventually they spent less time together outside of practicing and Cas started thinking it was time they talked about things. That was when Balthazar started complaining about their… well, their sex life. 

Cas took in a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. 

Cas never knew what he did wrong. He just got the impression that he was really bad at it and that he should be sorry for being so bad in bed that Balthazar stopped trying. It wasn’t long after that Balthazar started bringing others over to his place. Cas learned about it pretty early but getting out of the relationship was harder than he thought. Balthazar was afraid how it would affect his reputation and so he wouldn’t let go of the pretense that things were fine.

Pulling away from that had been really hard on Cas since all he got out of it was the news all over the magazines about music and the belief that he was a sucky boyfriend. 

Cas sat up slowly and decided he didn’t need to get out of the house today. Instead he rummaged around with his sheet music and sat down by the piano.


	4. You keep interrupting

Cas might not want to come back even if Meg begged him, but it didn’t mean he wasn’t listening to her. He spent more time by the piano and practiced whenever he had the chance. He knew he couldn’t let it slip and since he loved playing he kept working for a few hours a day. Thankfully the family was often out and so Cas didn’t have to bother them too much with it. 

Anna announced one night that Benny was throwing a party and that Cas should come with them. Victor’s parents would babysit for Rebecca so they could all go over there. 

Like last time Cas actually wanted to go outside. He wanted to meet some people and talk to someone older than three-year-olds. Because mostly he was hanging out with Rebecca these days. 

Benny welcomed them all with a drink and Cas drank most of it before someone came over to tell him that this drink was practically toxic, and he could already feel the burn from it. Well, since he was there for a party, then why shouldn’t he be drinking? He would just have to make sure he didn’t drink too much. Cas wasn’t used to parties where the alcohol flowed this freely. Sure he’d gotten pretty drunk during boring banquettes or similar events but this was more like a good old fashioned college party. 

The music was loud, everybody was laughing and stumbling slightly. People were dancing or swaying to lame music and yet it felt like a good time. A part of Cas wondered whether these people thought about growing up, have a quieter party at home with some of their close friends instead of this thing, but he wasn’t going to question it. A different part of him actually felt good about getting the chance to let loose a little. So maybe it made sense.

Someone grabbed his hands and he was dragged into the kitchen where Charlie looked up at him. 

“Hey, I’ve been looking around for you.” She said. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, I wanted to know how you’ve been doing since last time. If Michael scared you off.”

Cas huffed a laugh. 

“No, I’m fine. He’s not that scary.” He said. 

Charlie smiled and handed him another one of the toxic drinks and Cas eyed it suspiciously. Charlie laughed. 

“Is it safe to drink this stuff?”

“Well…” She tilted her head and Cas laughed but he sipped the glass carefully. The problem was, it didn’t taste all that bad. It was strong, sure, but most of it was covered by the delicious taste of peach. He took another sip. 

Charlie went on and on about something she planned to do with her shop. She actually worked with fixing computers which Cas never would have guessed. The fact that she was so excited about it was a little disturbing to Cas, but then again if someone got him talking about the kind of music he was playing the would be getting a whole speech. 

Cas was well on his way to getting drunk when he headed into the bathroom. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror and met glassy eyes and rosy cheeks. His hair was really messy too, but all in all he wasn’t that bad. At least he didn’t feel he would be getting sick and he suspected it had something to do with the fact that Anna came by periodically with large glasses of water. Cas rolled his eyes at her babying but he drank it all.  
Cas walked straight into a hard body when he came out of the bathroom. 

“Easy there, handsome.” Michael said and placed his hands on Cas’ arms to support him. 

“Yeah, um, I’m sorry.” He muttered. 

“Oh, don’t be.” Michael assured him and backed him against the wall to let people walk past them into the bathroom. Cas swallowed, feeling a little cornered here with Michael crowding his space. It wasn’t that he did something wrong. The guy was really attractive and it was actually a boost for his self-esteem that the guy was coming on to him, but Cas still felt a little uncomfortable. 

“Fuck, you look great. Do you think we could have a little fun by ourselves?” Michael said close to his ear, and Cas couldn’t believe how fast he cut to the chase. He was about to come with a polite dismissal when someone cleared their voice behind them. Cas actually blushed when he met Dean’s hard stare but Michael growled impatiently.

“Dean, what did I tell you about interrupting at times like this?”

“At times like what? When you’re drunk?” Dean asked like he wasn’t affected by the anger in Michael’s glare at all. 

“Will you just step away, Dean. This is starting to get ridiculous.” Michael said and Cas wondered what it was all about. Dean had been there both times Michael came on to him, yet he continued to act strange towards Cas.

Before the argument could get any further Cas’ phone started ringing and he was distracted. Michael clearly didn’t like that he picked up and wanted to follow him when Cas headed for the front door. 

“Michael, will you give me a minute?” Cas asked as he stepped outside and the guy nodded with a disappointed frown. Dean on the other hand seemed a little pleased at that.

“Michael? Cas, who are you talking to?”

His voice was all too familiar and it sent a cold chill down his spine and heat rising in his face at the reminder of what he’d put him through. Balthazar. 

“Balthy, why are you callin’ me?” 

“Cas… are you… drunk?”

“Maybe a little.” He groaned and slumped down on the first step. 

“God, what are you doing? You should be down here with us, playing concerts like you used to. Why on earth are you hiding and drinking like this?”

“You know damn well why that is.” Cas spat at him. 

“Aw, honey. You’re not still upset about the break-up, are you?”

Cas heard the door opening behind him but he didn’t think about it. People were probably coming outside to smoke or something. He still gritted his teeth to keep quiet and let his head fall forward almost between his legs. 

“Don’t call me honey.” He uttered quietly.

“I miss you. It’s not the same when you’re not here with us.” Balthazar’s voice was almost soft as he spoke.

“Stop, just… stop. I know you’re not really missing me. You’re just tryin’ to check up on me.” Cas slurred. 

“Why would I check up on you?” Balthazar asked after a pause, his voice taking on a different sound. Cas recognized that tone of voice and tried to brace himself for what would inevitably come next.

“Balthazar, don’t…” He whispered but the man on the other end huffed.

“Cas, I don’t need to check up on you with your boring life. You’re never doing anything that needs checking up on. The fact that you’re drunk right now just proves that you’re sulking around feeling bad for yourself.” Balthazar told him and Cas felt his throat tighten. Why wasn’t he able to tell this guy to shut up when he easily just told Michael to leave him alone?

“And Cassie, just stop the self-pitying. The only thing that’s going to help you is if you just admitted how you brought this on yourself. Then you can move on and get back here to play the concerts you’re supposed-” 

Cas’ hands were shaking when he pressed the red button and Balthazar’s voice finally got silent. He swallowed hard several times around the lump in his throat. Why the fuck did he have to be so easy to pick on for the great Mr. Balthazar? It had been like that for half the time they were dating. Balthazar obviously didn’t think much of him, and yet he kept up the pretense. After a while of those hurtful comments about how boring and bad he was at anything but playing piano Cas finally confessed to Meg. She had almost jumped on Balthazar to strangle him the next time she saw him. 

Cas wasn’t ready to go back in. He didn’t want to be in there with all of these people, or bump into Michael again, but the longer he stayed out there the harder it was to not give into the urge to cry. It was probably because of the peach drink and Cas found it all just a little stupid and he picked up his phone with hands that were still shaking before he got up on his feet. 

That’s when he noticed he wasn’t alone. Dean was leaning against the wall looking at him with something between a displeased frown and concern. 

“Um… Hi.” Cas rasped. Dean pursed his lips.

“How long have you been standing there?” Cas finally asked and needed to steady himself against the railing on the porch. 

“Whoa, Cas. You need some help there?”

“’M fine.” He assured and walked towards the door, not looking at Dean. 

“You’re clearly upset about something.” Dean tried and Cas stopped when he felt a warm hand on his arm. He stared up at Dean, surprised that it looked like he really cared that he was upset. 

The guy was too handsome for his own good. With spiked hair, beautiful green eyes and lips that made Cas want to know how it felt to bite down on them. 

“I don’t get you.” He said. 

Dean pulled back his hand and raised his eyebrows in surprise. He was about so say something when Cas shook his head. 

“What?” Dean sounded a little confused. 

Cas sighed and leaned heavily against the wall. His head was really starting to spin now. Maybe that peach-brew wasn’t his best idea. Cas steeled himself, not really sure why, but he was and looked into Dean’s eyes. 

“Why are you here?”

“What do you mean? Benny’s my friend.” He answered tightly. 

“No, out here, asking me all these questions.” Cas said. 

“You looked like you… you know…” Dean shrugged. 

“You don’t even like me!” Cas said a bit louder than intended but he kept staring at Dean. 

Dean didn’t seem to get out the words as he stuttered a little about seeing how Cas had been upset about something but Cas huffed. Well, if he was upset then it was his own damn business and not something he needed to stick his nose into. Especially since he didn’t even like him. 

Dean seemed a little set back at the harsh words from Cas but he nodded slowly. 

“Yeah, well, sorry for asking then.” He eventually said not sounding really sorry. 

“You don’t have to strain yourself. I don’t need you to be nice to me when you don’t want to. I’m totally capable of taking care of myself.” Cas said and moved to walk inside. He totally didn’t notice the slightly hurt look on Dean’s face as he left him there on the porch. 

 

Cas knew the instant he woke up the next morning that he had been acting stupidly last night. He wasn’t sure what exactly had gone wrong, but just the memory of talking to Balthazar made it clear he had been in a weird place. 

Rebecca had been sleeping over at her grandparents so the adults could sleep in and complain their way through breakfast. Cas headed back to bed just after and passed out for another couple of hours. 

Looking back at last night made Cas realize he should probably apologize for his behavior. Sure, Dean hadn’t been that nice since they met, but he probably had his reasons. It didn’t give Cas the right to lash out at him just cause he was drunk and felt down. So he decided he would have to go find Dean and say he was sorry for being an ass the night before. 

***

Before Cas got the chance to figure out where and when to track down Dean the guy called to tell him his car was up and running again so he could come and get it whenever he wanted. 

Cas got Anna to drive him over to the garage and walked inside looking for Dean. A tall man with a dark beard came into the room asking if he needed anything and Cas walked over to the counter. 

“I’m Castiel Milton. I got a call from Dean. He said he’d finished with my car.” He said. 

The man looked him up and down a few times before he nodded with a grunt. 

“Sure, I’ll go get him.” He said and disappeared through the door behind him. All of the walls around the room was decorated with pictures of at least five diplomas for mechanics and Cas instantly noticed Dean’s. He shook his head and steered his attention to the pictures of different cars in various stages of the construction and there was usually one or two people standing next to these cars with wide grins. 

Dean was on a lot of them. It seemed like the guy had practically grown up in the garage. Both he and his taller brother seemed to have been around cars since they were little children. Dean sat on the roof of one of the cars with an ice cream, or he was holding a protective hand on his brother. Other places he was grown up and leaning out of the window of some car. There was one of him looking like he just rolled out from under the car as he was still sitting on the ground with a wrench in one hand, grease and sweat on his face while he was giving a lopsided smirk to the photographer. Man, the guy was hot. 

“Am I interrupting?” Dean’s voice sounded from behind him and Cas whirled around as if he was caught with his hand in the cookie-jar. 

“Just watching some of these pictures.” He said as innocently as possible though his face was heating up. 

Dean seemed to be back to his usual displeased frown. “These are kind of private.” He said.

“Sorry. Didn’t realize since they were hanging here in the shop.” Cas said and walked over to the counter.

“Yeah, well…” Dean muttered glumly. 

“I think they show a great affections for cars and family.” Cas said motioning to the walls of pictures and Dean stared at the wall a moment before he met Cas’ face again with slightly softer eyes.

“So my car is working again.” Cas asked carefully. 

“Yes. I fixed the wheels and some other little things. There’s some scratches on the paint so you’ll probably want to get that fixed when you get back home.” Dean told him. 

“Oh. Well, thanks.” Cas tried with a smile. 

“Dean. I wanted to, uh… to apologize for my behavior last night.”

“Huh?” Dean looked at him with his eyebrows lifted high.

“You know… for, lashing out on you. I don’t usually do that, and I feel bad about it. So I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Cas continued and Dean stared at him with his mouth slightly open as he couldn’t process what was going on. Eventually he closed his mouth and cleared his voice. 

“It’s fine. Don’t think about it.” He muttered.

Cas wanted to say something else. He didn’t like the feeling that Dean was just saying so to humor him, but he had apologized hadn’t he? 

Dean clicked something on the computer and told Cas what he owed them. In his ears it was way too little compared to what a mechanic back in his city would have charged. 

“Will you print out a bill for me?” Cas asked and Dean simply nodded. 

Cas was lead out back and Dean showed him what he had done with the car and Cas couldn’t help the way he liked it when Dean was talking fast and confident about his work. Dean leaned in to turn the key so the car started and for a moment they were close to each other. Cas smelled coffee oil and man. The combination was making Cas heat up all over and he let out a strangled cut off whimper. Dean turned to look at him and for a moment his eyes weren’t angry or judgmental. There was something else in them, surprise, sure, but also a kind of heat, or maybe Cas was just imagining things. Just because he felt heated definitely didn’t mean Dean would as well. 

On the drive back to Anna’s place Cas reveled in the smell that was all over his car. Dean had obviously spent some time inside of it and the thought made Cas’ mind wonder. The thought of driving around with Dean next to him. Go wherever they wanted and just- 

Cas shook his head. What kind of stupid thoughts were that anyway? He grabbed the wheel a little tighter as he eased the car into the street where Anna’s house were.


	5. Old and New tunes

A few days later Cas was alone in the house. Victor and Anna were out on a date while Rebecca was with her grandparents. Cas expected it to be late so he spent some time in the kitchen cooking up a pie that his own grandmother had taught him long ago. He eventually sat down by the piano and lined up his sheet music. 

Cas had been practicing this piece for a while and he started to really feel it, both in his fingers and in his heart. Usually when he was playing like this he forgot all about his surroundings. That’s why he often locked the doors to his room back home. He liked being alone with the music. 

Music had always been a part of his life. Anna had been playing classic music for him when he was a little boy and his love for the masterpieces just grew after that. He started playing as a kid and his mother was more than thrilled that her little boy wanted to play piano. She supported him greatly up until the point where he came out to her. She still supported his playing but she insisted on setting him up on dates with different women she knew.   
Cas didn’t bother with that, he had what he needed even if his mother didn’t approve. The music was what was most important though, and up until now Cas hadn’t let anything get in the way of that. It wasn’t exactly getting in the way; he was still playing. He just needed some time to heal his wounds. 

Cas had no idea how long he practiced but he eventually decided it was enough of his tedious repeating of the same couple of pages with a part he struggled with. He sighed and stretched his back a little before he shook his hands. 

Practicing was usually not bothering Cas, but he always loved when he could take a break or when he was finished. That’s when he allowed himself to really play by heart. His favorite pieces all mixed together, his fingers flying over the tangents. Somehow Cas always seemed to come back to Chopin whenever he sat by the piano. He was one of the very first he started listening to and he still loved the music.

So maybe, at times like this when Cas was alone and didn’t have the best of days, maybe then his music suddenly started sounding more and more melancholy and quiet. And Chopin came in handy then too. Cas closed his eyes as his fingers caressed the tangents and he started playing Chopin’s Prelude in E-minor. Op. 28 no.4. Cas loved that piece because it always made his mind clear a little. He got to breathe slower and he felt like he was a part of the music. 

The soft sounds were so familiar and Cas sat with his head bent forward and his eyes closed while his hands moved in a steady beat pulling out the calming sounds. Sometimes it reminded him of being a young boy running around in the rain because the beginning always made him think of raindrops. Further into the music he felt supported by the steady tone underneath and he didn’t want it to stop. Eventually he got to the end and he loved the last part where he had a pause before the last three strokes. They always filled him with some kind of hope and he let the sound linger in the otherwise quiet room. 

Cas stretched and pushed his stool back and got ready to stand up. 

“Oh! You scared me.” Cas said and his breath hitched a little. 

“Sorry.” He said without really sounding like it. 

“How did you get in?”

“I have a key. Heard you playing so didn’t think anyone could hear me knocking.” He said. 

Cas nodded a little, still watching him cautiously. 

“You are playing really good. No wonder Anna is so proud of you.” Dean motioned to a picture of Cas hanging above the piano. If was from when he was much younger and Anna had taken the picture herself while he was playing the piano at home. 

“Uh… Thanks.” Cas said in a soft voice and Dean smiled. 

“Of course, I’ve heard you play before.”

“You have?” Cas couldn’t hide his surprise.

“Yeah, Anna sits by the TV every time you’re playing somewhere important. I’ve been around sometimes.” Dean shrugged his shoulders and Cas just stared at him, not really sure how to handle it.

“Oh. I didn’t know.” He finally said. 

“It’s not the same though, listening to you from the TV and actually witnessing how lost you get in the music. I even walked past you and you didn’t seem to notice.”

“I usually sit by myself when I practice.” Cas tried to explain.

Dean looked so content as he relaxed in the chair. His hair a little ruffled and it looked like he had been outside from the way he cheeks were a little rosy. 

“I was looking for Victor.” Dean said after a moment of silence. Cas didn’t seem to be able to move so he was still standing by the piano. He wasn’t supposed to act to strange, but Dean was sitting right there and no matter what was stirring between them it was almost impossible to understand it since none of them put words on it. 

“He’s… um… he’s out. On a date. With Anna.” Cas stammered. 

Dean nodded absently like he hadn’t really heard what he said. 

“Oh, Anna made pie? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Then Dean was up on his feet and walking towards the kitchen. Cas heard him open and close a few drawers before he got control of his limbs and headed into the kitchen as well. 

By then Dean had already cut two big slices of pie and put them on their plates and was grabbing a box of ice cream and dug into it. 

“How come you haven’t eaten from it yet? Oh god, it’s not made for something else, is it?” Dean looked horrified for a moment and Cas was tempted to say it was, but he didn’t know how the man would react so he shook his head.

“No. I… wanted to play piano first. I guess.” Cas said. 

Dean handed him a plate with a large piece of pie and lots of ice cream, then he noisily put spoons on top of it all and nudged Cas in the direction of the living room. 

Both of them slumped down into the couch. 

“What’s with the surprised face?” Dean asked and Cas shook his head a little. 

“It’s the way I make myself at home isn’t it?”

Cas stared down into his lap and felt heat rise in his cheek and Dean chuckled softly.

“It’s always been like this with me and Victor. If it bothers you we can go sit by the table or something.” Dean offered and for a moment Cas was a little annoyed that Dean seemed to think he needed to act so strict all the time, but then again he kind of did so... 

“No, no, it’s… it’s fine.” Cas said and concentrated on his plate. He looked at Dean from the corner of his eyes when the man took the first bite and he felt his face redden again. How was it possible to enjoy food like this? It was all over his face, the way he was smiling at his pie and wiggled the spoon. And then there was the noises. Sinful groans and little cut off whimpers. Cas shifted in his seat and forced himself to lift the spoon up to his mouth. 

“God, I NEED to know where Anna learned to make pie like this.” Dean said. 

“Me.” Cas said and Dean’s head snapped in his direction. 

“I mean, it’s me. I made it.” Cas’ voice was quiet but he smiled slightly. 

“Really? Damn it’s good.” Dean said and patted Cas’ back quickly before he took another bite. 

Cas wasn’t sure how to handle this man sitting next to him on the couch. Cas wasn’t very experienced with men, and especially not men like this. The ones he met were usually dressed sharper, watched what they said and never ever had dirt under their nails. Most of the time the conversation would evolve around themselves or their interests.

Dean was the opposite of that. He was wearing a wrinkled shirt which was open and revealed a t-shirt underneath. His hands were stained probably with stuff that didn’t come off only with a wash, and well, he didn’t say much about himself, so Cas would just have to keep guessing. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t like it. Cas definitely found it refreshing, but he just didn’t know how to act around it. He felt trapped, like he was supposed to do something, but the thought of Dean’s hard green eyes made it impossible to do anything at all. 

Instead Cas grabbed their plates and headed for the kitchen. He rinsed the plates a lot longer than necessary and he couldn’t make himself walk back out of there immediately. 

He asked if Dean wanted something to drink, coffee or beer and of course he appeared in the doorway. Why couldn’t he just sit there in the living room acting like any other guest would have? Except, Dean was probably more familiar in this house than Cas was.

Dean smiled a little and said he could go for a beer and Cas was pleased to have something to do. If only for a moment to distract himself while he faced the fridge. 

It had been like this since they met each other. Cas felt like something was about to happen, then Dean closed off and turned out to be mean, and when he was nice towards Cas again he had lost the courage and fled back into his shell. 

Cas handed the beer to Dean and grabbed his own. Dean stood there in the middle of the room looking casual and content with whatever he was thinking while Cas leaned against the counter with a mess inside his head. 

“Hey, Cas, why are you so tense?”

“I’m not!” He tried defending himself.

Dean raised his eyebrows slightly and it was so attractive Cas felt his insides melting. 

“Oh, fuck it.” Dean muttered to Cas’ confusion and before he knew it Dean was crowding his space and his hands were on Cas’ hips. 

“I’ve wanted to do this ever since I saw that pout when you sat down next to your car all frustrated.” Dean whispered and leaned in to kiss him. 

It was a sweet and warm kiss, but it soon deepened and Cas gasped when Dean grabbed his hips and shoved him up on the counter. Dean chuckled close to his lips before he leaned back into a more insistent kiss. 

Cas wasn’t able to stand against it, and he realized he didn’t really want to either. When Dean’s tongue traced the seam of his lips Cas parted them without even hesitating. Dean’s tongue was there immediately and pushed harder against him. 

It wasn’t until his hands started roaming over his body that Cas came back to his senses. He couldn’t do this, it was too much, too fast. He braced his hands on Dean’s shoulders and pushed him back while he gulped in a few breaths to regain at least a sliver control. Dean’s dark eyes and kissed out lips almost made him change his mind.

“I… um… It’s… I mean… Dean.” The name came out as a whispered pleading and Dean stopped. He looked at Cas as he was sitting disheveled on the counter, his hair a mess after Dean’s hands and his clothes askew but his eyes were staring wildly at Dean so he stepped back a little. 

“Cas?”

“I… it’s too much… too fast.” He sighed while heat rose in his face. That made Dean step back between Cas’ legs and place a hand on his jaw.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. I’m sorry I came on a little strong.” Dean said with a little smile and stroked his cheek soothingly. Cas nodded but didn’t look directly at him. 

“How about we bring our beers into the living room and watch some TV, huh?” Dean asked and Cas jumped down from the counter.

***

Dean started coming over more after that. Not much changed to begin with. He was just there mostly talking to Victor or Anna. Once in a while Cas would sit on the couch with Dean there and they started talking about something. Got engrossed in a conversation and talked like civil people. Dean would leave with a smack on Victor’s shoulder and a kiss on Anna’s cheek. Cas still got nothing. 

Apart from when they were alone. Sometimes Dean would find Cas when he was alone in the kitchen and he came closer to him kissing his neck or his lips. Other times Dean lingered until Anna and Victor turned in for the night. Cas’ heart always seemed to beat faster and harder when he did that. Dean moved closer to him on the couch and it was only a matter of time before they would be lying down making out like a couple of teenagers.   
Cas wasn’t sure yet what it was about. They both enjoyed these make out sessions where Cas got pushed down into the pillows and they were panting heavily. Cas never let it go any further though. He really liked the kissing and Dean’s soft murmurs into his neck, but whenever those hands started roaming over his body Cas pulled back with a gasp and told Dean he couldn’t do it.

Having Dean around all the time got Cas to slowly start believing in his intention. Sure, Dean wasn’t shy about the fact that he wanted to have sex with him, but he also seemed like he wanted to hang out. That he enjoyed talking to him and that he didn’t do it just because of his ass. 

Anna started giving Cas those looks especially when she would be leaving him alone with Dean in the living room, or when he came down after a late night in which Dean spent most of it there with him after she and Victor headed upstairs. She didn’t ask though, not like Victor. 

Dean could tell him that Victor asked questions, because he didn’t do it at home. He asked Dean those questions about whatever was going on and Dean said he didn’t know exactly what to tell him. 

Cas shrugged his shoulders at that unsure what to tell him. 

“So, what did you say?” He asked. 

“I said we were figuring it out. Is that okay?” Dean asked and Cas nodded while he wondered what happened to the mean and grumpy guy he had first met. 

 

Cas did get to meet the grumpy version again. It happened one night while Anna and Victor was upstairs getting Rebecca to bed. She had been sick lately and demanded both her parents were present during her night time routine. 

Cas stared at the phone in his hand where he was sprawled on the couch. He noticed a frown in Dean’s forehead, but didn’t really think more about it. Instead he sat up and braced his elbows on his knees as he picked up the phone. 

“Clarence.” Meg’s drawling voice uttered his nickname slowly and Cas couldn’t help but smile. Meg was annoying and sometimes outright mean, but she was his best friend and Cas actually missed her. 

“Meg. How are you?” He asked. 

“Well, since you’re asking. I’m fine. Miss you though.” She said and Cas could actually hear her pout.

“Really?”

“Of course I do. Just because you’re an annoying brat I’m actually starting to miss you for real now.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s really sweet of you.”

“Aww, Cassie… Don’t you miss me yet?”

Cas laughed softly and sent a glance towards Dean who was staring with a dark expression on his face. For a moment he was distracted by that but Meg reminded him she was still there. 

“Yes Meg, of course I miss you.” He told her. 

“Good. Now that it’s settled will you listen to me for a bit?” She asked and Cas sighed. He knew what was coming and he really didn’t want her to say that. 

“We’re starting up with our tour here really soon and we’d really like it if you came with us.”

“Meg.” Cas said warningly. 

“No, Cas it’s time. You just have to get back out there and we’ll be fine. I know you can do it and it’s not like he can be around every time we stop.” She insisted and Cas knew she was right. It didn’t feel right though. He didn’t want to go now that he stated to figure some things out for himself and since that also meant leaving Dean behind it was even worse. 

Turned out Dean didn’t want to talk all that much after the phone call. He was back to the grumpy man he had been to begin with while he asked who he was talking to. 

Cas talked though, and told him about Meg. The friend who had stuck with him over the years. The woman who was annoying, yet good to him and the one who always pushed him that little bit further when he needed it. 

“Sounds like a great woman.” Dean said sourly. 

“She really is. She wants me to come back home .” Cas added and Dean stared at him for a long time. 

"Home?" He asked. 

Cas nodded and pursed his lips as he felt the tension settle on his shoulders again. 

"Yeah, she says it's time I got back up on the stage again." Cas muttered quietly.

Dean wouldn’t say anything after that and a few minutes later he got up from the couch and said he had to head home since he had an early morning. 

Cas shouldn’t be disappointed that Dean chose to leave so suddenly and without a kiss. Cas knew he didn’t mean anything special to Dean. They had become something resembling friends over the last couple of weeks and that was it. If Dean didn’t want to kiss him good night or go back to being grumpy he was allowed. Only, Cas didn’t know how to handle that. Afraid he might have done something wrong or made Dean think he had to leave. Cas sighed as he went to bed with a heavier heart than the day he broke up with Balthazar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. I've just been suuper busy and haven't been able to get around to writing. I hope some of you still want to read this and I hope to be back with more shortly. 
> 
> x - Until then


	6. Old habits

Cas drove back to the city and jumped eagerly into work. It was just a matter of days until his first performance and everybody was a little pissed that he had been absent for so long. 

That meant they would push him into working even harder, play even longer days to prove he could handle it even with the weeks off and it was a good thing. It made it harder for Cas to think about what had happened his last night with his sister because he couldn’t be distracted like that. 

After Dean left that night he hadn’t come back the rest of the week and Cas didn’t see him anywhere else either. He had tried really hard not to obsess over it because they hadn’t promised each other anything and it wasn’t like whatever was between them was meant to stay like that forever. When Meg called again to convince him to come home he decided it was time to head back. He just had to go find Dean before he left. 

Cas found him and Dean invited him home to his place. It was the first time Cas was there and it always surprised him how everyone seemed to have their own houses up here. If he was going to buy a house in the city it would probably be a lot more than he could afford. Up there it seemed like it was just the way it was. Dean’s house wasn’t big, but he had a garage that was almost bigger than the house where Cas could see a big black shiny car and there was a few standing out front as well, some in better condition than others. Next to the house stood two snowmobiles parked and it seemed like they had been used recently. Cas realized that Dean didn’t just enjoy his work, he was probably just as passionate about it as Cas was about his piano playing. 

Inside Cas had met a toned down and sturdy place. They settled on the couch and neither mentioned the days that had passed without them meeting. Maybe it was something in the air, it just seemed like they silently agreed on just hanging out without making it difficult. 

Before long they sat close on the couch and soon it turned into a make out session and all of a sudden things were more serious. Dean kissed him urgently like there had been something missing and he needed to make up for it. His hands were everywhere and Cas arched into the touch instead of pulling away like he had done before. Dean moaned into his neck as he rolled his hips down against Cas’. 

Cas gasped and his hands were desperately clutching at Dean’s shirt as they started to grind against each other like teenagers. They were frantic and uncoordinated, but it didn’t matter. This was what they wanted and neither had time to stop and think about making this romantic or something like that. It wasn’t how they were.

Cas was still surprised at how long they kept lying close on the couch afterwards though, just being close to each other. He’d never thought Dean would be the kind of guy who enjoyed cuddling like that.   
It wasn’t until Cas started talking things went wrong again and that was the part that still managed to distract him from what he was supposed to do. 

Cas let his fingers fly over the tangents more on instinct than anything else as he tried to chase away the empty feeling inside. 

Dean had been quick to pull away once Cas told him he had to head back home to join the tour across the country. When he asked if he were going back to Meg Cas told him yes. When Cas proceeded to ask if he wanted to come with him, at least to some of the concerts closest to his home Dean stared at him for a long time before he said he had no intension of standing alongside watching Cas being all up there with the important guys.   
“What does that even mean?” Cas asked and buttoned up his shirt. 

Dean ruffled his hair again in frustration. 

“You know what it means. You’re on stage playing those masterpieces in your expensive tux and shiny shoes. Everyone around you is important, big-shots. I don’t want to embarrass you because it’s just not who I am to mingle with rich people.” Dean said. 

“How could you embarrass me?” Cas rolled his eyes, a habit he believed he somehow had picked up after coming there.

“Don’t be an idiot, I wouldn’t even know how to clap correctly. Just… forget it. I’m very fine right here, and it isn’t like we thought this… thing or whatever, was something other than a… a… distraction.” Dean finished with a gesture of his hands and a heavy sigh. 

“That’s really how you feel?” Cas had whispered and stared up at Dean but he refused to look in his direction. Cas didn’t understand how this confident, growling man seemed so opposed to what he thought Cas’ life consisted in. 

 

At least now that Cas was there he could focus on his music and if Meg noticed how tense and down he was she probably accounted that to the knowledge of Cas’ recent break-up. 

Cas wasn’t sure why it bothered him that much. Or maybe he did. Because from the moment he met Dean the guy had resented him. Then with just a snap he had turned around and was all over Cas. It was strange and it had been good. Cas missed him, his snarky comments and loud huffs whenever something didn’t agree with him. 

And Cas eventually realized he was on his way to get obsessed over this guy, so instead he practiced until he almost fell asleep, then he went home and slept for a few hours until he could come back and practiced the same piece all over again. 

Once they got ready for the first concert everything happened so fast Cas didn’t have time to sit around wondering what happened. Because now that they got closer to an actual performance it was also coming closer to the inevitable – facing Balthazar. 

 

The first time Cas saw Balthazar was at a party and the crowd was too big for them to actually meet up. Meaning Cas found a way to get away whenever he felt Balthazar got too close. Balthazar seemed to be there alone, but like always he had enough people around him to be kept busy for the night. 

The second time was just after one of their performances. Cas had managed to avoid any real contact with him the entire day, but after they got off the stage Balthazar was there. 

“I see you’ve finally found your way back.” He said and Cas nodded as he tried to sweep past him without anything else. 

“You’re not going to stop and chat with me?” Balthazar asked with a furrowed brow. 

Cas sighed and stood in front of him waiting. 

“You look good, Cassie.” He said, voice a little softer. Cas closed his eyes for a moment. 

“I really need to go, Balthazar.” Cas said. 

“That’s what I am to you now? Balthazar? What happened to Balty?”

“He decided he was tired of me.” Cas said and muttered a goodbye before he turned and left. 

His heart was beating hard as he found his way toward Meg. He never really stood up against Balthazar and the thought still scared him a little. It felt good though to not hang around waiting for the guy to come with some comment about his lacking. 

The third time Cas definitely didn’t think he had anything to worry about. They were at a party with some of the people from their concerts and since nobody would be traveling until late the next day everybody was going to the party. Cas was so bored. After being at some of the parties or the gatherings with Anna’s friends he realized how meaningless and annoying these kind of parties actually were. Instead of coming there to hang out with people you actually cared about, most of the people were just working hard to impress someone with their integrity or bragging about their money or something similar. 

So Cas was drinking. Even if Meg sent him questioning glances which showed him that she was probably really confused about what was going on with him. He wasn’t the kind of guy who usually would drink that much. She probably thought it was because of Balthazar. Cas had seen him around but after a few drinks he couldn’t bring himself to think about it that much.

Maybe that was why he wasn’t ready when Balthazar all of a sudden was so close to him. Cas made his way outside on unsteady legs, ready to head home. 

“A little wobbly there, Cassie dear?” Balthazar asked behind him and Cas jumped in surprise. 

When Balthazar came closer Cas backed against the wall.

“What are you doing?” Cas stammered when Balthazar eased a little closer and Cas was pressed against the bricks. 

“Just making sure you’re okay.” He said. 

“I’m fine. You know I am.” Cas tried and took a deep breath as Balthazar came closer. Damn him for his familiar smell and when he smiled Cas felt how his resolve melted around the edges. 

“You sure? I can’t seem to recall you ever getting drunk like this.” Balthazar said. His voice soft and quiet. Unfamiliar.

“What can I say? I got bored. Besides, I’m not that drunk.” Cas insisted. 

“You got bored, so you just decided to down a few drinks?” Balthazar leaned closer. 

“No. I was… Uh, I mean… What does it matter what I did?” Cas suddenly had enough of his questioning. 

“Nothing, Cas. Of course not. It’s okay.” Balthazar assured him and suddenly his body was pressing against Cas’. He was warm and firm and Cas knew it was fucked up, but a part of him missed the guy. They had been together for over a year and friends even longer. 

Cas’ breath hitched and Balthazar grinned down at him. 

“You’ve missed me haven’t you?” He whispered but Cas could only stare up at him. 

“I sure missed you.” Balthazar said before he leaned in the rest of the way and met Cas’ lips in a soft and chaste kiss. For a short moment he remembered Dean’s lips, how they moved against his just perfectly. Then Balthazar deepened the kiss and Cas’ body reacted to that no matter what he said. His hands came up to grab around the man’s broad shoulders and he let out a long sigh when Balthazar’s tongue darted into his mouth.

Cas felt Balthazar’s hands come up into his hair and there was pressure around his waist. The feeling of Balthazar finally touching him made old memories come back and even if he was drunk and really wanted this he turned his head a little and pushed at Balthazar’s shoulders. 

“What’s the matter?” 

“Balth… We… I can’t do this.” He sighed and Balthazar actually took a small step back. Cas took a deep breath. 

“Why?”

“You know why. We broke up.” Cas sounded sad even if he wasn’t feeling too bad about it. His head was spinning and the thought of Dean came to mind now and again. Yeah, he needed to go back to his room to get some sleep.

Instead Balthazar was there looking concerned and serious. And that was a look he didn’t wear very often. Probably never on Cas’ account. 

“I know we did. I still want this, though.”

“Yeah? You told me I was lazy and uninteresting in bed.” Cas said and the words tasted bad in his mouth.

Balthazar pushed a hand through his hair. 

“Cassie…”

“No. I will not go through this all over again.” Cas said firmly. 

“How about we talk about it?” 

“There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t want to get back with you and you don’t want that either. It’s just because you’re drunk and horny right now.” Cas finished and Balthazar swayed a little. He placed a hand on the wall behind Cas to keep his balance.

“Just… I want to go back to the room together.” Balthazar said and looked into Cas’ eyes. Cas knew what he wanted and that it didn’t mean anything. The functioning part of his brain provided him with arguments on why this would only make things worse. There was a different part though that told him this could be good. They could get things out of their system, and go their separate ways somewhat like friends.

“Come on, Cas. I know you want to.”

Cas swallowed. “You don’t. I know what you’re going to tell me once we’re alone.” He knew how things were between them. Balthazar had told him loud and clear, so why would anything be different now?

Before he could say anything Balthazar leaned in again and kissed him. His lips soft, but a little demanding and Cas couldn’t help but give in to that. 

When Balthazar kissed a trail from his lips to his ear Cas shuddered. 

“Just for tonight, Cas. Let’s forget about all that crap and just have a little fun.” He whispered. 

It was almost pathetic how easily Cas gave him. At a small nudge from Balthazar Cas pushed away from the wall and followed him down the street and towards the hotel.


	7. When my heart keeps beating for you

On their way to the room where they walked side by side keeping each other balanced Cas had time to think. Think about where he was going and what he was doing. But this was Balthazar. The classy man with quite the ego. The guy he had spent so much time with over the last couple of years. Cas knew it probably wasn’t the best idea to go on with this, that most likely it would just lead to even more drama than he was prepared to work with, but he didn’t pull away from Balthazar’s arms anyway. 

Inside the room Balthazar didn’t waste any time. He slammed Cas against the door and their lips clashed almost desperately. Balthazar muttered into his ear, words Cas couldn’t make out. Blood was pumping through his veins and he arched his back to press closer to the man. Because he wanted to be touched and he wanted Balthazar to assure him he had a good enough body and he wasn’t bad in bed.

Their clothes were practically ripped off and Balthazar was already panting hard. When he pushed Cas down on the bed his mind suddenly caught up. He gasped and scrambled away from Balthazar, standing next to the bed wearing nothing but his boxers. 

“I c-can’t…” He breathed fast. 

“Cassie… What’s the matter?” Balthazar spoke softly. Cas closed his eyes and turned his head to the side. This wasn’t working. His body was clearly on board with the idea even though the fog in his head had finally lifted and allowed him to recognize what was going on. 

“This… I… this isn’t going to work.” Cas tried but Balthazar only sent a knowing glance in the direction of his very interested dick. Cas huffed. 

Balthazar sat down on the edge of the bed with one thigh on each side of Cas’ legs. 

“Cassie, let’s just take it slow.” He said.

“It’s not… what I want.” Cas whispered. 

“What?”

Cas looked down and sighed. 

“Why are you doing this?”

“You’re hot and I want you.”

Cas blushed but shook his head. 

“Come here.” Balthazar said and stroked him soothingly up and down his arms, and Cas leaned pathetically into the touch. He needed the closeness and he wasn’t strong enough to stand up against Balthazar when he acted so sweet. 

Without him giving permission, his legs actually took a step forward so he was snug between Balthazar’s strong thighs. Cas felt his hands gently stroke over his back and further down until he stopped just before he touched his ass. Cas was involuntarily leaning further into the embrace and felt Balthazar’s hands tightening the grip. 

It wasn’t long before Cas once again was pushed down on the bed and this time he let out a long moan as Balthazar settled between his spread legs and rolled his hips deliberately. 

Since Cas didn’t protest Balthazar thrust his hips down a bit more insistent and Cas groaned again. His mind supplied him with a comment about how he was called lazy so he took the opportunity of Balthazar’s sighs against his neck to roll around. Balthazar stared up at Cas with surprise in his face, but he was pleasantly surprised and if that didn’t spur Cas on then he didn’t know what did. 

Part of his problem was that he cared too much about what Balthazar might think even if they weren’t really together anymore. Cas didn’t really waste any time before he thrust down to rub their hard cocks against each other, still trapped inside their boxers.

Balthazar’s hands were strong around Cas’ hips as he helped him keep the rhythm and it wasn’t long before their erratic breaths turned into louder gasps and moans. Cas stuttered a little as he came and he felt Balthazar grab his ass and thrust up against him a few more times until he came with a strangled sound.

***

Cas definitely wasn’t himself for the next week. After everything he should have known getting back in bed with Balthazar was a bad idea. It wasn’t that the sex was bad. Whenever they’d had a fight and Balthazar wanted to make it up to him things were great in bed. And maybe Cas had taken advantage of that a little bit. Because he hadn’t really wanted to be alone that night and he knew that if Balthazar was in the right mood things tended to be great. 

Instead he left early the next morning. It wasn’t far, after all they stayed in the same hotel, so Cas had found his way to his own room before Balthazar woke up. He’d been sleeping on top of the covers until Meg called impatiently to ask why he didn’t show for breakfast. 

Cas was not going to talk about it, and no matter how much he’d needed some relief he wouldn’t be doing it again. He was back to working hard and avoiding Balthazar. It wasn’t hard because somehow it seemed like Balthazar was okay with giving him some space. Cas wondered a little absently how long things would stay easy like that.

So instead Cas made sure he didn’t run into Balthazar alone. He kept his head low and worked harder than he had in a long time. Meg seemed to be pleased with him too. 

When Cas finally managed to put it behind him he started enjoying his tour again. He got to play great music night after night to people who cared about it. He talked to people about it while he almost forgot where he was whenever he was on stage. Being able to play like that, to share his passion with people was what he wanted to do after all, and it was good being back in the game. 

 

Cas thought about Dean sometimes. He missed the guy and some nights he had been very close to calling him. He just didn’t know if Dean would appreciate that. Maybe he would find him clingy or annoying seeing as they hadn’t really talked about keeping in touch or anything. It bothered Cas that he had this itch he didn’t dare do anything about. 

After one of his concerts Meg hurried over to Cas with a curious expression on her face. 

“Someone’s here asking about you.” She said a little breathless. 

“Who is it?” Cas asked as he loosened his tie a little. He wasn’t the type who got a lot of people asking for him after a concert, but it happened and usually Cas made time for that as long as they actually wanted to talk.

“I don’t know him. He said his name was Dean.” She said and Cas’ head snapped up. 

“What?”

“Cas? Are you okay?”

“Of course. Tell me where he is.” He said and Meg pointed him in the right direction. Cas was all but flying out of the room.

He couldn’t believe it, but Dean was actually there. He was just inside the door that lead out on the back of the building. He stood there leaning against the wall with his hands tucked into the pocked of his jeans and when he noticed Cas his face cracked into a smile. 

“Hello, Dean.” He said and Dean smiled even wider. 

“You really are a sight on stage.” He said. 

Cas’ heart jumped and he couldn’t help the smile that didn’t want to go away. 

“It’s really good to see you.” Cas’ voice was soft and low. Dean came a few steps closer. 

“You didn’t call me, but I thought maybe the invitation still stands.” Dean took a deep breath like he was nervous and looked expectantly at Cas. 

“I looked for you when we were up north.”

“Yes, I just… Um.” Dean paused and pushed a hand through his hair with a frustrated sigh. 

“I’m glad you’re here now.” Cs said when Dean didn’t say anything else. Dean relaxed slightly. 

Cas cleared his voice awkwardly. It was strange suddenly being in a situation where their positions were changed. This was somewhere Cas felt at home while Dean felt out of place. 

“Come on, I’ll show you around.” Cas smiled and turned toward the stairs and headed backstage. 

He knew that meeting Meg and the others might not be the best place to start, but Cas needed something to distract him from the way his heart was beating uncontrollably and so walking around telling Dean about the different places in this theatre was easier than having to face Dean for real. 

By the time they walked through the doors into the dressing room Cas was a lot calmer and the conversation went easier. Dean told him about Anna and how Rebecca were doing and that they all missed him. 

Cas smiled at that and wondered if it included Dean as well. 

After meeting the others Cas dragged Dean out of there before Meg started asking too many questions. 

“I’m starving. You don’t mind if we find someplace to eat, do you?” Cas asked and Dean shook his head. So they walked down the street in tentative silence until they came to a place called Secret Garden. The place inside was a little pompous but it smelled great and the waitress that walked up to them gave a friendly smile before she followed them to a table by the window.

“I recognize you from a poster in the theatre. My name is Brianna.” She smiled and Cas reached out to take her hand. 

“Castiel. And this is Dean.” He said and she smiled at them. 

“What can I get you two? We’re serving a really great dish with duck today, if you’re interested.” 

Cas looked over at Dean before he nodded and said they could try it out. 

Sitting alone by the table with Dean made Cas’ heart jump and beat loud again. The room was filled with soft music and the sounds of other people chatting while having a great dinner. Cas swallowed. 

“What made you change your mind about coming here?” Cas asked and Dean’s eyes flickered up to Cas’. 

“You’re not building up to what you want to know, are you?” He chuckled but Cas could see the tension in his eyes. 

Cas opened his mouth to tell him he didn’t have to say anything when Dean stopped him with a raised hand. 

“It’s okay. I um… I was at Victor and Anna one night when she sat down to watch one of your concerts and… well –“ Dean cleared his voice. “I wanted to see you again.” He said and Cas felt a smile spread in his face. 

“I’ve wanted to see you too.”

On the walk back to the hotel Cas asked him to come up to his room. Dinner had been a great success because once their food arrived they got distracted from the awkwardness and started talking like they had before. So maybe Cas wasn’t ready to let go of him just yet, because what if he decided to just drive back home in the early morning or something. He had missed the man a lot over the last couple of weeks and now that he was there all  
of a sudden he needed to know what that could possibly mean. 

Dean grabbed his bag and followed Cas to his room. Once they were inside Dean smiled intimately and crowded Cas’ space. He felt heat travel south at that look and he sighed content and happy when Dean presses his lips against Cas’ mouth. 

Cas moaned softly and pressed closer to Dean. The kiss was soft and intimate, neither of them in a rush as they explored each other all over again. 

“Fuck, I’ve wanted to do that for hours!” Dean gasped and Cas couldn’t help the happy little laugh that escaped at that. 

Cas let his head fall back to expose his neck to Dean who trailed kisses along his jaw and down his neck. 

Being back in Dean’s arms were even better than Cas had imagined. He had missed the way he murmured softly into the crook of his neck and his hands that were strong and confident as they roamed over his body. 

Cas felt happy relaxed the next morning even if he hadn’t gotten that much sleep. Most of the night was spent kissing Dean and eventually it had progressed into something more. The feeling of Dean’s naked body against his were perfect and he wanted to just keep the bed for a couple of days to explore it further. After mutual hand jobs they were sweaty and covered in come so they had padded into the shower together. Back in bed Dean kept talking about his job and Cas fell asleep to the comforting sound of his voice. 

Morning was a bitch and since Cas was on tour he had to wake up early and get ready to drive to the next city. Dean stretched in the bed and Cas stopped where he was getting dressed to enjoy the view of his naked strong body sprawled across his bed. Damn if he wanted to keep this guy who loved cars like they were his babies and only ever trusted the very closest ones in his life. 

Reality hit as they came downstairs for breakfast and Cas noticed the way Balthazar was staring from the other side of the room. He swore the man was just getting up from his chair and Cas steered Dean with a sweaty hand toward the table where Meg sat together with a few others from the team. Cas wasn’t able to taste his breakfast or keep a conversation going as he was much too aware of his own heart beating so loud he could only hear the blood rush in his ears.


	8. This... thing between us

Meg was doing her job efficiently as she ushered them outside once breakfast was done. She furrowed her brow at the thought of Cas driving with Dean, but once Dean promised to tail them every mile of the way she rolled her eyes and let go of Cas.

Dean drove while Cas slept next to him or sat by his side looking through his sheet music or walked through the program for their next performance.

It was easy being on the road with Dean. Cas was also getting to know the man better during the long hours of driving, such as his taste in music and love for pie that stretched beyond anything else. He watched a lot of movies where Cas read the books and he had a secret love for expensive jeans; which Cas found kind of cute. They did a number on his ass so Cas wasn’t going to complain about that.

Each night they went into the same room together and Cas managed to breathe out at the fact that he hadn’t been confronted by Balthazar yet. Their nights together soon escalated into much more than traded hand jobs or heavy make out sessions. Cas could finally let his hands run over the man’s body and follow with his tongue and Dean were moaning and writhing like Cas actually did something right. It always made Cas feel like going crazy at the fact that Dean became a mess under his hands. He also loved it when Dean returned the favor, with a hot tongue and firm fingers. Once he pushed inside, Cas was almost gone with the pleasure.

Maybe it was because they had these stolen hours each night that things felt so good. They didn’t fight like when they first met and they didn’t go out much either and spent the time on each other instead. Dean would have to leave at the end of the week and Cas still had a week after that to finish the tour.

 

After the performance in a music academy all of them were invited to a party and Meg demanded he went there too. So he brought Dean and they arrived there together, Cas with disheveled hair and kiss swollen lips and Dean on dizzy legs after a passionate blow job. Cas felt like a teenager.

Balthazar was there too and Cas felt his shoulders tense at the sight of him standing by the open bar staring at the pair of them walking into the room. Cas had pointed him out to Dean a long time ago and Dean had just accepted it without much comment.

Cas tried to concentrate and mingle with the others and Dean was always there next to him. Despite of his worrying about not being able to fit in and keep a conversation going with these people Dean was actually really good at that. He commented on the music sometimes and people gave him appreciative looks instead of furrowed brows that he used such simple terms and Cas suspected they actually liked that because most of these people tried so hard to impress with big words they barely even understood themselves.

They sipped wine and walked from group to group and Cas felt down right giddy with Dean there next to him. He never felt like this with Balthazar, because Dean was comfortable, he was a real person who didn’t want to impress everybody around. He was there mainly because of Cas, to support him and be with him.

When Balthazar approached them near the end of the night on slightly swaying feet Cas heard the buzz of his bloodstream again, but forced himself to stand his ground next to Dean. Dean sipped a beer looking zen as ever and Cas took a steadying breath, trying to mirror some of Dean’s calm.

“I don’t think I have had the pleasure of meeting you.” Balthazar said and Cas noticed how Dean’s eyebrows raised slightly at the British accent. “I’m Balthazar, bet the name has come up.” He said suggestively and Cas groaned inwardly.

“Uh, yeah, barely. I’m Dean.”

Cas watched as they shook hands both with a tight look on their faces. Cas didn’t think Dean was really bothered by it, but it couldn’t be good either.

“Right, Dean. You Cassie’s new boyfriend then?”

“Well, I… yeah, something like that.” Dean simply placed a hand on Cas’ back and he was grateful for a chance to focus on something other than his past and present boyfriend staring at each other.

“Something like that, huh? I guess he’d spread his legs for just anybody then. Sure seemed happy about it a few weeks back.” Balthazar sent a smug glance in Cas’ direction at the same time as Dean’s hand froze on his back.

“Balthazar, just… get out of here, you’re drunk. Please?”

“Begging too, he always liked that.” Balthazar continued like he hadn’t said anything and Cas felt a blush of shame and fear rolled up into his face.

Dean was still frozen next to him and the hand on his back fell away. Cas stared at Balthazar and with a huff of breath the guy stumbled off. The damage was already done, though and Dean didn’t even look at him.

“We should go back to the hotel.” Dean said and he was back to the cold voice he had used the first few times they talked. Cas swallowed hard around the lump in his throat and nodded.

 

Everything was icy quiet on the way back to the hotel. Balthazar had gotten in a few comments about their night together and Cas should have realized it would blow up in his face like that. Dean was vibrating with tension next to him in the elevator and neither of them said anything until the door into their room closed behind them.

Dean started pacing back and forth while Cas just stood awkwardly next to the bed.

“Did you really sleep with him?”

“No… I mean… Yes, but… not really, we weren’t even naked, not real… you know.”

Dean let a hand run through his hair.

“Why did you? Why the hell did you fuck around with him again?”

“I was drunk!”

“That’s not an excuse!”

“Yes it is, because I don’t know why I did it. We headed back and once he was asleep I walked to my own room.”

“That doesn’t make it go away, Cas.”

Cas huffed in frustration. Dean was still pacing and looking angry.

“I know that, Dean. Why are you so angry?”

“Because I thought this… thing between us meant something. Clearly you didn’t think the same as you had sex with him once you got back home.”

“I didn’t… not when I came back.”

“Yeah, whatever the fuck, Cas! You still did! Were you looking for something to do on your tour or what?”

Cas stared at him for a long time. This was getting out of hand. He didn’t want to fight about this, but there they were, yelling at each other because of his stupid decisions.

“You told me I was just a distraction. I left you thinking you were done with me. How can you be mad at me?” Cas asked in a low voice that got Dean to look at him before he huffed angrily again.

“Because he’s your ex, who treated you like crap and then you jump straight back into bed with him!

“It wasn’t like that.”

“Tell me, tell me how it was then?” Dean glared and he was almost shaking with anger.

“I _was_ lonely and Balthazar knows exactly which buttons to push to get his way. I missed you, but thought you didn’t want me. So yes, I went to bed with him because I thought maybe it could distract me for a bit.” Cas admitted and Dean breathed fast and harsh.

“Cas… What… What is this thing between us? Do you want there to be something more?” Dean looked so sad and broken for a moment and Cas’ heart ached at that. Because he was the one who made him so unhappy and it just seemed like everything he did was hurting someone.

“I want to be with you, of course I do! I knew it was stupid! But it just… after what you said, Dean.” Cas sighed and looked down at his feet.

“I don’t know, Cas. Maybe I should just head back home.” Dean said. Cas’ head snapped up and he stared at Dean with wide desperate eyes.

“Dean, no.” He whispered. “If you leave… this – “ Cas swallowed but wasn’t able to look away from Dean.

He knew that if Dean left now they wouldn’t see each other again, or if they did things would be really different. Cas would lose Dean if he let him walk out that door.

“Can’t we at least try and talk about this?” He asked.

Dean huffed a breath and rubbed his neck while he looked at Cas with his green eyes.

“Cas…”

The finality in Dean’s voice made Cas look down at his feet again. Once again Balthazar had managed to ruin Cas’ prospects at a real thing with someone only this time Cas knew he wouldn’t get anywhere with excuses.

“Fine. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Dean resigned and Cas had to repeat it in his head several times before he finally managed to pull on a tiny little smile. Dean didn’t return it, but at least he had decided to stay instead of taking of and Cas took that as a small step in the right direction.

When they went to bed Cas was lying on his back staring into the dimly lit room. Dean was there next to him, but he was facing the wall. Neither of them was asleep but Cas wasn’t going to break the silence. He knew he was the one who had messed up, what happened to them was still Dean’s decision. He was just glad the man hadn’t disappeared right away.

“I really did miss you, you know.” Cas was surprised to hear Dean’s voice all soft just as he was about to drift into sleep.

“After you left I mean. I just missed your fucking face, and your silly smile. I practically turned into a chick. Maybe that’s why this all feels just… shitty.”

“Dean-“ Cas began but Dean interrupted him.

“Can I just get this out?” Dean asked and Cas hummed in response, lying on his back with his muscles spent tightly.

Dean was quiet for a long time and Cas wondered if he maybe changed his mind about talking.

“I have this friend who kept bugging me about my mood and that I should go on a date, which… I didn’t want. Fuck, Cas this is crazy. But I missed you and I didn’t want to go out with anyone else.”

“I guess when this thing… happened, I thought… just because I wanted something didn’t mean you wanted the same thing.” He finished quietly.

“But I do, Dean. I really do. And I’m so sorry for messing it up like this.”

“Yeah.” Dean answered. He had rolled over on his back but still didn’t look at Cas.

“I don’t know what else to say other than how sorry I am for this.” Cas took a deep breath.

“Do you think we can figure it out?” Cas whispered after a long moment of silence.

Dean didn’t say anything for a long while. He breathed in heavily a few times and Cas cursed himself and Balthazar, yet again, for this whole mess. Whatever had started between him and Dean was about to slip away before it even began.

“I need to think about it.” Dean said hoarsely and Cas’ breath hitched.

“Will you be heading home early?” Cas whispered.

“I don’t know.” Was Dean’s truthful answer. Cas took a deep breath and closed his eyes.


	9. Closing time

Loneliness. That’s what Cas decided it felt like. Hour after hour he found himself sitting alone by the piano or in one of the hotels. Dean was there somewhere, Cas had no idea why he was still around when the guy did his best to avoid him at all times. That was actually the worst part, because Cas didn’t understand what was going on, or how the hell he could fix it. 

After that night in the hotel where they talked Dean just slipped away even if he didn’t take off. He had said he needed time, which Cas was going to respect, but it was hard. Not even the music was enough to keep him distracted. 

Hours of practice was necessary, but Meg kept complaining about how he had lost some of his old spark. Who could blame him? Miles of driving from place to place, where Dean was driving in his own car behind them and Cas tried to get some sleep in his trailer. Once they arrived Dean was nowhere in sight and Cas had another tight feeling added to his stomach. He had no idea where the man went, but he usually didn’t see him again until his performance. Dean was always present during his time on the stage and for that Cas was really grateful. He just wished he had the chance to talk to him. 

It seemed like Dean had a sixth sense for when they were about to be left alone just the two of them and he almost always managed to change that. Cas didn’t push it, because he knew how fast things could go even worse if he did. Dean was supposed to get the time he needed, but he didn’t understand why he stayed when he still didn’t want to really be around Cas when he kept following them from city to city. 

Sometimes he noticed Balthazar being there as well. The man looked smug as ever, like he enjoyed the hard time, and he probably did too. He never came close though, and Cas suspected it had something to do with the way Meg glared at him, practically with daggers shooting from her eyes. 

Dean had announced one day that he would have to go back home after the next performance if he wanted to keep his job. Cas knew that wasn’t the case. Dean could probably stay away for month and still get his job back since it was run by family, and close family at that. Still, the man couldn’t hang around there forever so Cas just nodded and felt the ache in his chest expand. 

The day before said performance, Dean came into the practice with coffee while Cas was playing Chopin’s Etude op 25. 

“Show off.” Dean said with a little smile and Cas swallowed hard as he stopped and turned around to face him. Now that they all of a sudden were alone Cas found himself being almost nervous. 

“Hey, don’t stop on my account. Just thought I’d hang around for a bit. You can go on and finish that workout for your fingers.” Dean said and sipped his coffee. He was wearing a leather jacket with a blue shirt underneath. He couldn’t have shaved that morning because he was looking so good with a scruff that Cas had to take a steadying breath. 

“I… I was finished anyway.” He said and Dean just handed him a second coffee. Cas wondered if it was some kind of peace offering. He sat there with his back rigid on the stool by the piano while Dean stretched out in one of the more comfortable chairs in the room. 

“Thanks.” Cas said and had to smile when the coffee tasted just how he liked it with a dash of milk. 

The room felt constricting the longer they sat there and Cas was grateful for the cup in his hands. Dean cleared his voice. 

“I was thinking, since I’m heading back tomorrow. Would you like to go out for dinner tonight?”

“Dinner?” Cas stared at him in surprise. They hadn’t been alone with each other for three days and suddenly they were going to have dinner. 

“Yes, like a date, or not if you like.” Dean stared at his hands before he looked up to meet Cas’ eyes. 

“I’d like that.” He said quietly and the furrow in Dean’s forehead softened a little as he smiled. 

“Good, then we’ll meet outside the hotel at eight?” Dean stood up from his chair and Cas could only nod in agreement. 

For the rest of the day Cas played with much more enthusiasm than he had in a while. 

 

Cas didn’t know what to expect for their date, but he showered and dressed comfortably but nice and headed downstairs to meet Dean. He was already there looking great in gray jeans and his blue shirt and leather jacket from earlier. 

“You ready?”

“Yes.” Cas said and followed Dean outside. He seemed to have a plan so they walked side by side down the street until Dean stopped in front of a dark and intimate restaurant. 

“Someone told me they serve the best pizza in town, thought I might give it a try.” He said as he opened the door waiting for Cas to walk through. 

A round little lady insisted they got their nicest table for a romantic evening. Dean charmed her easily and she grinned with flushed cheeks while telling Cas he should smile a little too when he had such a beautiful man on the other side of the table. She wasn’t wrong. 

The place really served great pizza and Dean as always enjoyed it loud and messily. Cas couldn’t help but enjoy the way Dean so openly had a moment with his food, it was just so much like him and seeing him act so familiar sent a wave of comfort through Cas. 

Dean kept talking about just anything. Nothing close to what was their current problems, just day to day stuff. What was going on back home, and Cas told him about Anna and Rebecca while they ate dessert. Both wanted to have a nice evening and not talking about the cloud hanging over their heads. 

They shared a bottle of wine and sat by the table until the late evening. Things were back to how they had been when they first started being together. It seemed so long ago, but Cas knew they hadn’t really known each other for long. He wondered if that’s why things had turned out so difficult, because they hadn’t gotten to know each other enough. 

“What are you up to once the tour is over? You just going to practice for your next tour?” Dean asked. 

“No, I will be giving lectures at two universities and one academy, then I’ll take a break I think. Not from music obviously, but the public performances.”

“Really? You go into those auditoriums and talk about what exactly?” Dean smiled a little. 

“Music in general mostly, then a little about my own music and then I often get the students to ask what they want to know.”

“Wow. Didn’t know that was something you did.” He looked a little surprised and Cas smiled. 

“I was called a few years back, and kind of liked doing that. I’m not very good with people, but I know how to speak about music.” Cas said. 

“I bet.” Dean nodded. “They give you a lot of money to do that, or?”

Cas shrugged his shoulders. “They pay me, yes. But only because Meg insisted. She said I shouldn’t give it away so easily to those prestigious places, they didn’t deserve it, she said.” Cas huffed a breath. “I could have done it for free. I like it and I have the money, but…”

Dean just nodded at that and Cas sat with the feeling again that he had said something that triggered Dean’s change in mood, but he had no idea what.

Cas was glad they were able to spend time together the last night Dean had there, though. When they walked back to the hotel the street was quiet and the weather nice. It was getting warmer by the day and Cas was looking forward to the summer.

They hadn’t shared a room for the last couple of days but they were in the same hotel so they took the elevator upstairs together and when they stopped outside Cas’ room Dean took a deep breath. 

“I really had a great time tonight.”

“Me too, Dean. Thank you.” Cas said gravely. 

Dean smiled and looked down almost nervously and Cas swallowed. 

“Well, good luck tomorrow.”

“Will I see you before you leave?” Cas asked. 

“Of course. We’ll talk after your performance.” Dean promised and Cas felt relief fill his body so sudden and surprising. He smiled up at Dean who returned it before he leaned forward to place a kiss on Cas’ lips. 

“Good night, Cas.” He said softly as he turned around and walked down the hall. 

Cas felt like he had just been on a first date and once he got to bed he spend a pathetic amount of time going over the entire night. Word by word, touch by touch. He desperately wanted it to mean that things could be better between him and Dean, but he was terrified to think it maybe be the exact opposite. That it was about separating on friendly terms. 

 

In spite of minimal sleep and lots of worrying Cas was up early. Downstairs he had breakfast with Meg and Dean. The two of them had formed some kind of relationship. Cas was never really sure if they were about to rip each other’s throats or working together to make Cas’ life confusing. He was aware they spent their time together backstage during his performances and sometimes while he was practicing they sat together chatting like they had known each other forever. 

Before Cas walked on stage he looked over at Dean who stood on the side looking at the stage. Dean smiled at him, a warm and genuine smile and Cas thought he may not even have seen that smile before. Somehow that helped him get through his performance with just the right amount of fire, but something was pooling in the pit of his stomach, a cold and empty feeling. He did his best to repress that until he was finished on stage. 

Once he was done he walked off to leave the stage to the next performance. Meg was there handing him a bottle of water and a towel. He dried off his forehead and opened the bottle. 

Dean stood off to the side and Cas walked over to him. 

“You did great, once again.” Dean smiled and Cas huffed a laugh. 

“Thank you for being here.” He said. 

“Of course, I’m happy to be here.” Dean grabbed Cas’ shoulder. “I’m proud of you. I don’t think I’d ever been able to do what you do.” 

Cas felt his face heat up at his word and his heart started beating faster. 

“Thank you, Dean.” He said hoarsely. 

Dean smiled one of those rare smiles and Cas dragged in a breath. 

“What are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know. Probably have to head back home I think.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, have to get back to the garage. My fingers are all clean and soft now, it’s weird.” He said jokingly and Cas smiled. It was true though, his hands looked softer and they hadn’t dark stains on them all over. 

“Dean?” 

“Yes, Cas?” Dean asked and Cas cleared his voice. 

“When I finish my tour and my lectures… would… will you be there if I came up to visit?” Cas whispered. Dean’s hand slid down along Cas’ arm. 

“I mean… I want to see you again, but –“ He swallowed. 

“Cas, hey.” Dean came closer, forcing Cas to look into his eyes. 

“I really want to say I’ll be there. The truth is I still feel like I need time to think about all of this. I’m sorry.” Dean said. 

“No, I’m sorry. I brought this on myself, so I’ll give you the time. I just -. Tell me if you don’t want me to come, okay?” Cas said, staring with his eyes wide. Dean worried his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded slowly. 

“Sure, yeah. I… I’ll- um.” He rubbed his neck with one hand. 

Dean didn’t come with Cas and his friends to have dinner that night. Instead he walked over to his car, waved good bye and Cas stared until the red taillights disappeared. 

“Come on, Cas. You just have a few more weeks and you can go meet him again.” Meg said and placed a warm hand on his back. 

“Yeah.” Cas muttered and let her lead him into the restaurant.


	10. A piano in my living room

The next couple of weeks went by fast. Cas buried himself in his work. He only had three more performances before he could get off the road and he was ready for it to be over. He was tired of living from hotel room to hotel room. It was time he got back to his own bed.

Cas spoke with Anna from time to time, but he realized that most of the time he just felt unsettled by her chatting. Anna told him about a Dean who came back home being quiet and unwilling to talk about what had been going on while he was away. On the night of Cas’ performances Dean had shown up at Anna and Victor’s place and sat with them while they watched him play. He still wouldn’t say much other than convincing them he actually enjoyed the music.

After his tour was over Cas only got a few days at home where his mother came visiting first thing in the morning.

“Castiel! So glad to see you back home again. You look better.” She said and Cas gave her a short hug.

His mother insisted on making him tea and told him he should fill up his fridge as soon as possible. She sniffed into his fridge and gave him a nasty look to prove her point and Cas repressed the urge to roll his eyes.

“So, what are your plans now that you are back?” She asked once they sat down in his living room. Cas ignored the way she looked at him when he pulled his feet up in the couch and leaned back.

“I have a couple of days off before I head down to Raymond’s Music academy.” He said.

“Oh, I didn’t know.” She said even if Cas was eighty percent sure she had known. She had just hoped he wouldn’t go. In her book, being a teacher was beneath Cas. Just because he played piano for the nicer people around the country she expected him to behave just like these people did.

“Yeah, well. I have two more lectures after that, so I’ll probably be gone for a couple of weeks.”

“Really, Cas? How do you expect to find a suitable woman if you’re running around the country like this?” His mother looked less than pleased and Cas sighed.

“I’m not looking for a woman, mum. You know that.”

“Oh, Cas, of course you are. You just haven’t met the right one yet.”

Cas ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t believe they were having this discussion all over again.

“I have in fact, met the right one. I just have to convince him about the same.”

“Him? Cas, I thought we agreed after the infidelity with this Balthazar.”

Cas shook his head and put his feet back on the floor to face his mother.

“Why are you always trying to do the opposite of what I tell you?” She asked in her most disappointed voice.

“Mother, I’m not doing the opposite. I’m just making my own choices.”

Cas knew there was no use in arguing with his mother. She would never really accept the fact that he preferred male company as she liked to say. It wasn’t like Cas needed his mother to approve of his dating choices, but she just wouldn’t give up. Cas decided maybe Anna’s choice to move to an entirely different place was not a bad one.

 

Cas traveled to the different universities with Meg and held his lectures for the young students. Meg always teased him about how they either didn’t understand him and got annoyed about how bad he was with people, or they thought he was cute because of it.

Almost every year he was invited to some of their parties, but Cas rarely went. This year was no different. He was eager to finish his job so he could buy tickets to fly up and meet Dean.

Cas hadn’t heard from Dean at all over the last couple of weeks and somehow he took that as a good sign. They both got time to think some things over and Dean had promised he would call to let him know if he didn’t want to meet him. So as long as Dean didn’t call Cas could live in the hopes that Dean actually wanted to see him again.

 

When Cas landed Anna was there to greet him. Even now in the spring Cas wasn’t going to drive up there again.

“Well, it’s starting to look like spring.” Cas said as he walked towards Anna’s car with Rebecca clinging to his hand.

“Yeah, well. Still far from what we are used to.” Anna said sarcastically and Cas chuckled.

“You’re right about that.” He said. Back home everything was already green and the flowers blooming all over. This place was just starting so see some of that.

“It’s good seeing you again.” Anna smiled up at her brother. “I talked to Victor and we decided that we’ll have a party this weekend. His birthday was last week and we thought we could wait until you came.”

That’s how Cas ended up in Anna’s kitchen for two whole days. He was happy to help her out making some food for the party and that also gave him time to think through what he was going to say once he met Dean.

Now that he was there Cas was suddenly anxious that something might have changed. Sure it had just been a short month, but what if Dean had moved on? Found someone else. Cas didn’t dare ask Anna, so instead he put all of his insecurities into the pies he was making and helping Rebecca mess up the kitchen.

The little girl wanted so badly to be a part of what they were doing. Anna sighed and wanted to drive her over to Victor’s parents, but Cas was happy to see the bundle of energy, so he figured out something for her to do and kept her busy.

Cas was really looking forward to the party as it came around and when the house started to fill with Anna and Victor’s friends he were introduced or he greeted the once he already knew. Michael wiggled his eyebrows, but didn’t come too close, just shook his hand just like the rest of them did. Charlie insisted on hugging him until he was out of breath and she beamed up at him.

“I’m so glad you decided to come back here. I know for a fact that you are gravely missed.” She said, but when Cas wanted to ask what she meant by that they were interrupted and Charlie winked at him before she disappeared into the living room.

Cas was in the kitchen when Dean got there. He tried really hard not to run into the living room and wrap himself around him, and instead he focused on the task at hand. Spread the topping on one of the cakes.

Sam came into the kitchen, clapped Cas’ shoulder with a wide grin before he hugged Anna and walked out of there. Cas turned around when he heard Dean talking to someone behind him. The man was as good looking as ever, his eyes clear and bright and his smile just as wide. He was wearing a blue shirt and dark jeans that hugged his perfect bowlegs. Cas swallowed when Dean turned his head and met his eyes. Dean gave him that soft intimate smile Cas so rarely got to see.

“Hello, Cas.” Dean said, still smiling as he came closer.

“Hi.” Cas breathed out, he hadn’t been aware he was holding his breath. Dean chuckled.

“You okay?” Dean asked with that spark in his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m… Um- Very much so.”

Dean still had that smile on his face and Cas knew he was staring but damn it he had missed this man, and suddenly the hollow in his chest started to feel a little lighter.

“Uh – How have you been, Dean?” Cas asked.

“It’s been okay. Work mostly. How about you?”

“Yes, same.” Cas nodded.

He cleared his voice and turned toward his cake again. Dean didn’t leave his side though. Instead he grabbed a beer and leaned against the counter while Cas was finishing the cake.

 

Their time apart had been good it seemed. Dean was there next to Cas for most of the night and Cas had never felt better. And for the rest of the guests they all acted like this was how it was supposed to be.

Michael watched them from across a table and he grinned at Dean.

“I just wanted to point out how this is Anna’s younger brother. You can’t jump him like you would some other guy.”

Cas felt heat rise in his face but Dean burst out laughing.

“I’m aware, Michael.” Dean said after he caught his breath again. Cas shook his head a little mortified, but Dean squeezed his shoulder and smiled when Cas looked over at him.

 

As the party came to an end Cas was barely tipsy as he had helped Anna out with serving the food and making sure everyone had a great time. Dean tilted his head slightly in the direction of the door and Cas followed him outside.

“You wanna go over to my place?” Dean said quietly.

“Is that what you want?” Cas asked. Dean pursed his lips but nodded.

Dean drove from the party which Cas found pretty ironic seeing as how this party had been at one of the local policemen, but he figured Dean hadn’t been drinking that much himself.

Cas was pulled upstairs once the door closed behind them.

“Damn it, Cas. I’ve missed you. How is that possible?” Dean asked hoarsely at the same time as he kissed a trail from Cas’ jaw to his throat.

As soon as Dean’s hand started roaming over his body Cas wasn’t able to speak anymore and he was pushed back on the bed with a surprised gasp.

“I have been waiting all fucking night to be alone with you!” Dean said. He pulled the shirt over his head and Cas stared at his body. Lean and firm, Cas took a deep breath. His hands were almost shaking, he acted like this was their first time ever. Dean pulled him close and kissed his nerves away.

“You up for this?”

“Yes, Dean.” Cas told him clearly.

Dean smiled down at him and presses his lips against Cas’ mouth. He was moving carefully and his tongue was playing with Cas’ like he had all the time in the world.

Cas wanted to touch him so he let his hands run over his shoulders and down to his waist and hips while Dean opened Cas’ shirt. Dean’s lips followed and Cas only managed to open the button on his jeans before he had to lay back on the pillow, breathing fast.

Both were pulling and pushing, desperate to be close together. Their clothes were practically flying around the room and Dean grabbed Cas’ hips and turned him around once they were naked. Dean’s hands were strong and warm as he placed one on his spine. Cas shivered when he recognized the sound of a bottle being opened, then he felt a wet finger rub down his crack and circle his entrance.

Cas let out a long breath and braced his elbows on the bed. Dean’s finger rubbed his hole until he finally started pushing inside. Cas’ breath hitched and Dean stopped.

“You good?”

“Yeah, yeah, keep going.” Cas said and heard a soft chuckle behind him and then he started pushing again. Their breathing and soft moans filled the room and Dean soon pushed a second finger inside.

“Come on, Dean. I can take it.” Cas rasped after a while. He was getting impatient. His cock was leaking and all he could think about was Dean filling him up just right.

Dean pulled his fingers out carefully and placed a kiss where they had just been. Cas sucked in a sudden breath and braced himself for what would come next.

“Turn around, Cas.” Dean said and nudged his hip. For a moment Cas was in the loop and Dean nudged his hip again before he managed to actually do it.

Dean was settling between his legs and leaned down to kiss him when Cas felt the blunt, warm head of Dean’s cock press against his entrance. He started pushing inside and Cas relaxed his muscles to let it happen. As fast as everything had gone up until now Cas was sure Dean would pick up a punishing rhythm once he bottomed out.

“Open your eyes, Cas.” Dean said and there was a smile on his lips. He looked content and happy and Cas moaned in pleasure when Dean pulled out of him and pushed back in in a slow and steady pace.

They were kissing each other soft and sloppy. The slow rhythm made Cas feel like he was boiling. It was building up steadily and he all but gasped at every thrust.

“Fuck, you feel good.” Dean grunted in the crook of Cas’ neck and Cas shivered.

Dean placed one hand on each side of Cas’ head and picked up the pace. His hips snapped forward in a perfect angled thrust. Cas clenched his fists in the sheets and pressed his head back against the pillows.

“Yeah, Cas. That’s it. Come for me, you look so fucking hot!”

Cas opened his eyes and looked up at Dean’s face. His hair was clinging to his forehead and he was breathing fast, but his eyes was what made Cas tip over the edge. His eyes that were so green and perfect, unable to hide warm feelings.

Dean kept thrusting into Cas until he came down from his high and it didn’t take much before he was coming too. He all but collapsed on top of him and Cas felt small nibbles on his neck. He couldn’t help the smile that forced its way into his face at that.

 

Cas woke early the next morning with Dean wrapped around him and with desperate need for something to drink. He untangled himself and made his way into the kitchen where he opened a bottle of water. As he drank it he padded around the room. It was open and nice, just like last time.

The sun was just about to come up and the lighting was beautiful. Cas walked into the living room to get a better view and was immediately distracted with a totally different view.

Against one of the walls in the living room, where last time Dean had a nice looking couch, was a piano. Not any kind of piano. An old piece with paint smeared over the tangents in some kind of harmony and flowers painted on the sides. Cas absolutely loved it. It was just like Dean, if he ever would have imagined a piano in this man’s living room, a plain black one wouldn’t have been the choice. Cas walked over to it and let a hand run over the surface. His heart was beating and he had trouble concentrating on the fact that it was actually there, in Dean’s living room.

“Cas? You down there?” Dean’s voice rasped sleepily and Cas snapped out of it to answer him. A moment later Dean stood in the doorway in just his boxers, rubbing his eyes.

“What’s this?” Cas asked and motioned to the instrument.

Dean let a hand run through his already messy hair.

“I… uh… I bought a piano.” He said biting his lip. Dean moved his weight from one leg to the other.

“I mean… a friend had a cousin who bought a house where this was and she thought it was ugly. I took it here. Got an old music teacher to come here and fix it. He says it works just fine if you don’t expect too much.” Dean chuckled nervously and Cas just stared.

“Why? You don’t play.” Cas eventually said.

“I know, but you do.” Dean told him quietly.

“But we weren’t… I wasn’t here then.”

Dean sighed and let a hand run through his hair once again.

“Cas, it’s the middle of the night, do we have to talk about it right now?”

Cas looked at him for a while before he glanced back at the piano. It really was something of art. He decided to follow when Dean turned to walk back upstairs to the bedroom.

“I don’t understand, Dean.” Cas said once they were under the covers again and Dean sighed.

“Cas, I… it was an impulse I heard about the piano, I drove over there to get it. End of story.”

“Okay. But… not everyone makes room for a large instrument in their living room, Dean.”

There was a long pause where Cas watched Dean take deep breaths and rub his face.

“I missed you. And I hoped you would come up here once you got time off. I heard about the piano, and I like listening to you playing, so… fine- I thought about you and wanted to get a piano for when you got here.” Dean finished in a hurry.

Cas moved closer to him.

“You can just tell me if it’s a terrible old piano and that you never intend to sit down to touch it.” Dean said lying still.

“Dean…”

“I wanted to do something for you, to show you… ahh. I don’t do this kind of thing, Cas. It’s just stupid. I can give it to someone else instead, charity or something.” Dean waved a hand around and Cas raised up on his elbows so he could look at him. He still couldn’t stop the smile spreading in his face.

“Thank you, Dean. I really like it.”

“Yeah?” Dean glanced up at him and Cas grinned.

“Definitely. It suits you.” Cas reached down to give him a kiss.

Cas wasn’t sure he would be able to sleep anymore. He really wanted to get a chance to play on that old piano. On top of that his entire body was tingling at the thought of Dean and why he had done that. He had actually missed him just as much as Cas had, and in spite of what happened between them he wanted it enough to purchase a piano because of Cas.

To Cas it was romantic beyond anything he had ever felt before and his feelings toward the man already asleep next to him were warm and homely.

Cas watched Dean sleeping next to him for a while, but eventually he couldn’t help it anymore and placed his bare feet on the floor and padded downstairs. The piano was just charming and it was practically screaming at Cas to try it out so he sat down carefully.

 

**Eight months later**

Cas let his fingers rest on the cool tangents and felt these familiar small lumps of paint on them. He smiled slightly at the thought of how different this was. Some would say the instrument was totally ruined by the way it looked covered in paint and worn surface. Cas pushed his fingers carefully down and the sound of a soft Nocturne filled the otherwise quiet room.

Dean had been right, the piano didn’t give out the clearest sound, like the one Cas was used to. What Cas noticed as he continued playing was that the sound was one of the prettiest he had ever heard, and it didn’t take long before that sound was what he longed to hear no matter where he was. That sound reaminded him of home.

He was sitting by the piano, listening to the familiar tunes in a slightly off sound that always managed to somehow feel comfortable and charming. This instrument were probably Cas’ new favorite because of how it had come into his life. There was so much more behind it than a love for music. Cas realized, it was real feelings for what he and Dean could have together. Thoughts that Dean wouldn’t say out loud, and thoughts that Cas for a long time was wary about even thinking.

It wasn’t until the smell of coffee seeped from the kitchen that Cas realized how long he had been sitting there deep in thoughts and far away in the music. It was just how Cas imagined a perfect morning would feel when he didn’t have anywhere to be. Where the domestic feeling filled everything inside of him and made his day start out perfectly.

Cas was sure this was where he should be. And who knew he would find that place where people was loud and where the snow fell heavily in the winter.

A cup of coffee was placed on top of the piano and a kiss planted on his cheek. Cas was smiling when he finished the song and the last tunes kept hanging in the air, reminding him that his love for music had gotten competition from a new kind of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this story, leaving comments or kudos, or even fuzzy thoughts. It has now come to an end and I really hope you liked it. I sure enjoyed the ending so yeah... thanks again.
> 
> xx - till next time


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